There are people who aren't bothered about what other people think. I believe they still care about those other people... just not what they think. These people can make choices and be confident they've made the right one. I'm not one of these people! I worry about what others think which has an effect on my confidence and leaves me a tad vulnerable to criticism.
I have found myself thinking about this recently. Over the past couple of weeks Michael has had to bring Joseph to the dojo and they've sat at the side of the mat. This is because I breastfeed and Joseph is suddenly refusing to take the bottle from Michael when I'm not around. He just screams till I come home (Joseph not Michael... ok maybe Michael's head is also screaming!) But we think that having a baby scream for three and a half hours at home is more cruel than having him quiet and happy with daddy at the side of the mat even that late at night when he should be asleep!
Only, I worry that people think we're being bad parents. You don't see people coming to the gym with their 5 month old baby in tow! Before having Joseph, I'd have been one of those people thinking 'hmmm, that's a bit strange... bringing your baby out at 8pm!' I'd like to think that I wouldn't have gone as far as judging them. But people do judge and my biggest worry is that some busy-body will take it even further and call social services!
It's a bit unfair of me to call them a busy-body I suppose. We all have a duty to report it if we suspect a child is being abused or mistreated. But hopefully they'd see that Joseph isn't short of people looking out for him. It's the love of his parents that has Joseph out on a Tuesday night in the first place! And there's a whole aikido family giving him love and protection.
Unfortunately I do worry about what people think despite trying not to! It's particularly difficult since becoming a parent. Just today I was reading an article about the physical dangers of front facing baby carriers to the point that the author suggested they should all be burned. Then in the same sitting I read another article that reported there's no scientific evidence to show that front facing carriers are dangerous for your baby. Same with organic food. There's such a lot of scaremongering about the "dangers" of pesticide residue but there's a largely unreported argument that organic food is potentially more dangerous because the residue of the chemicals used to deter pests have not been as rigorously tested as the pesticides.
What's a parent to do? What's a human to do?! Everything contradicts everything and people have to make their own choices so, whatever I decide, someone is going to disagree and be judgmental. So I'm doomed to always worry about what people think!
In situations like this I try to find the answer through what I've learned in aikido. I'm a bit stumped with this one mainly because I know the solution without aikido: stop worrying about what people think! But that's easier said than done.
I recall having similar worries as a white belt when sensei would have us do a randori exercise. I didn't like randori back then. I didn't like being in the centre of a circle with everyone watching me. I thought they were laughing at me for getting mixed up or they were judging my rubbish ukemis. I sometimes wonder if sensei can read my thoughts because during one lesson he split the class into a number of small groups and spent time with my group going through a few 10th form exercises in a circle. He taught us the importance of positive attitude and showing confidence in the face of our attacker even if we were quivering underneath. Never let your opponent see doubt, never falter. Grimacing, tutting, stamping a foot... all that shows your opponent you got it wrong and there's a weakness they can use against you. If you get it wrong, so what? Move onto the next uke. (Later in my aikido experience, this lesson developed into training ourselves to "just do something" no matter if its wrong.)
I have to admit, I don't have a poker face! When I'm practicing a technique my partner can ALWAYS tell what's going on; if I'm pleased with myself, frustrated, confused or if I've started with the wrong foot! It's very hard not to stop half way through, grumble quietly, apologise and start again. Sensei is trying to teach me to just keep going and finish - even if I've done something completely different to what I'm supposed to. Anyway, I've got side tracked...
Now I look forward to randori! Because I've trained myself not to care what the others think. If I get it wrong it's ok, I figure out (or am told) what was wrong and I try again. That might not be so easy with a baby... life is so fragile - sometimes getting it wrong can be catastrophic! But if there was a difinitive guide to parenting, I wouldn't be writing this post. Most of the time you have to weigh up the options and make the best choice for your family. I know I won't get it right every time but that's maybe where the aikido lesson comes in. If I have positivity and confidence in myself then any mistakes I do make I can learn from them and hopefully correct myself along the way. Not showing doubt and a lack of confidence, which is difficult for me, will not only help to prevent people judging and critising but it will also pave the way for Joseph to have total faith in his mummy making him feel more secure.
So when you see me out way past bedtime with Joseph in a front facing carrier, feeding him non-organic banana, don't judge me. I've done my research and made my decision. I just wish I didn't worry about what you think of it!!
Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin
