Lifting the block

I have to say that I've come up against a bit of writer's block recently.  I leave class each Tuesday thinking "that thing that sensei said was really interesting... I'll write about that." I then start a blog post and I either get stumped after one sentence or I think about it too much and the post is just a big ramble of nonsense.

I have about 10 draft posts sitting on my blogger dashboard and none of them are finished!

I think my mind has been consumed by the new chapter in my life - I'm now a working mother! Going back to work was hard. I'll be honest, ki breathing went out the window. Focusing on one point went out the window. Relaxing with weight underside didn't even get a chance! And because I was hyper anxious, so was Joseph which meant nobody slept for about a week before my first day back! There were tears, tantrums and snotters. And that was just me!

In class yesterday, 2 of the brown belts were practicing kiatsu for most of the class because one of them has a bad back. I have no shame in admitting my jealousy! My back hasn't been the same since the third trimester of pregnancy and I'd actually forgotten about kiatsu so I was longing for someone to channel some energy into my tired aching muscles.

I could have done a little happy dance when sensei gave the rest of us time to do it at the end of class. It's hard to describe the effects of kiatsu but I'd go as far as to say it's even better than a massage. You come away from it feeling so relaxed and light and at peace... It's just lovely.

My sister would say something along the lines of "I haven't got time for this voodoo nonsense" and there are a lot of people who will turn their backs on alternative healing. I come from a scientific family so many of them switch off when I start talking about Ki and the power of the mind.

But last night... that was exactly what I needed. We didn't have long but it was so wonderful to stop. Just to stop. Breathe. Feel the energy. Let it sink into the body and feel that tension ebb away.

And I sit here in my rocking chair with wee Joseph sleeping peacefully, grateful for the healing energy my partner gave me. Grateful for the opportunity to get my focus back. To just be me. A busy, dedicated, fun, sometimes loopy, hard working, loving mum and wife. Bring it on!

Boob!

Some people may find the title of this post embarrassing or even offensive and I did hesitate to use it... but I do have a reason for it:

A couple of nights ago (and by "night" I mean 2am) Joseph discovered the "buh" sound. As this was a new discovery he repeated it for ages as he tried to make other sounds with it. Suddenly out of nowhere he shouts "boooob"! And because he got a reaction from me (uncontrolled giggling) he repeated it continously until he finally tired himself out at 3am!

And, of course, since I wasn't sleeping I had time to think! Way back when I first started aikido I was sensei's only adult female student. This didn't pose a problem for sensei or Dan or the more experienced aikidoka. But I noticed other students would hold back when attacking. Or even avoid me when we were told to pair up. I never let that get to me though so this post isn't a complaint. It's more about men having to work with women in the dojo and my experiences of this.

If you're a man:
While respecting the fact that the ladies have breasts, you will at some point accidentally brush a boob. Or hit it! The chances are she won't have noticed but if she does then it's manners to apologise. Don't try to pretend it never happened, that's even more disrespectful. You can even have a laugh about it but whatever you do do not announce that she "should have got them out the way"! While she possibly didn't move fast enough to avoid your slight of the hand, what if the roles were reversed? What if she accidentally hit you where it hurts? "You should have got it out the way" doesn't really apply does it?

If you're a woman:
Don't worry! I've been doing aikido for 4 years and my boobs have been brushed only a handful of times. Nobody has hit me full force on the boob. I've been poked in the eye, hit on the nose, my arms and wrists have been all colours of bruise but my boobs are unscathed!

Seriously though, the situation is about more than boobs. Most men will have been brought up to respect women and never to lift their hand to them and so it goes against the fibres of their being to attack a woman even in a controlled environment like the dojo. I understand this and it's good that they don't find it easy to attack females. I get that it's difficult to do the opposite of everything you believe in.  But bear in mind that you're not attacking her out of malice or anger. You're doing it out of support and encouragement as part of a lesson. My advice to everyone is this: when you're in the dojo, whether you're male or female, never hold back your attack or do the techniques half assed because you're working with a woman. If she is attacked in real life her attacker isn't going to hold back so you aren't doing her any favours since she won't learn how to deal with it properly.

My argument is that by attacking everyone (in the dojo) whole heartedly, you're giving everyone the chance to learn and grow.

The problem with Steven

I saw a film called Bulletproof Monk last night. I love a good Hollywood martial arts movie so I do! It's a guilty pleasure because you probably wouldn't describe any of them as "good". But I'm mesmerised by Jet Lee, rely on Jackie Chan for a good giggle and you can guarantee a whole load of action from Chow Yun Fat. (Incidentally, it seems Chow Yun Fat isn't a martial artist at all - he's just very good at choreography and stunts!)

Obviously the most famous aikido practitioner is Steven Seagal. I love watching out for a nikkyo, tenchinage or a kotageshi (dramatically sending the attacker into an over-the-top and through a wall).

Unfortunately for me though I find Steven Seagal's movies more frustrating than anything else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting his abilities off-screen. But the camera angles and editing are designed to create drama and thrills which, in my opinion, takes the true awesomeness away from the art. Maybe it's like a doctor or nurse watching Casualty. They're so involved with the reality that they know when something in a hospital TV programme is dramatised for the audience. Kind of ruins it for them and others watching it with them! And Steven Seagal might have black belts in aikido, karate, judo and kendo but, with all due respect, he can't act for peanut butter.

Anyway, that doesn't stop me enjoying a bit of Under Seige!

Poker face (and non-organic bananas)

There are people who aren't bothered about what other people think. I believe they still care about those other people... just not what they think. These people can make choices and be confident they've made the right one. I'm not one of these people! I worry about what others think which has an effect on my confidence and leaves me a tad vulnerable to criticism.

I have found myself thinking about this recently. Over the past couple of weeks Michael has had to bring Joseph to the dojo and they've sat at the side of the mat. This is because I breastfeed and Joseph is suddenly refusing to take the bottle from Michael when I'm not around. He just screams till I come home (Joseph not Michael... ok maybe Michael's head is also screaming!) But we think that having a baby scream for three and a half hours at home is more cruel than having him quiet and happy with daddy at the side of the mat even that late at night when he should be asleep!

Only, I worry that people think we're being bad parents. You don't see people coming to the gym with their 5 month old baby in tow! Before having Joseph, I'd have been one of those people thinking 'hmmm, that's a bit strange... bringing your baby out at 8pm!' I'd like to think that I wouldn't have gone as far as judging them. But people do judge and my biggest worry is that some busy-body will take it even further and call social services!

It's a bit unfair of me to call them a busy-body I suppose. We all have a duty to report it if we suspect a child is being abused or mistreated. But hopefully they'd see that Joseph isn't short of people looking out for him. It's the love of his parents that has Joseph out on a Tuesday night in the first place! And there's a whole aikido family giving him love and protection.

Unfortunately I do worry about what people think despite trying not to! It's particularly difficult since becoming a parent. Just today I was reading an article about the physical dangers of front facing baby carriers to the point that the author suggested they should all be burned. Then in the same sitting I read another article that reported there's no scientific evidence to show that front facing carriers are dangerous for your baby. Same with organic food. There's such a lot of scaremongering about the "dangers" of pesticide residue but there's a largely unreported argument that organic food is potentially more dangerous because the residue of the chemicals used to deter pests have not been as rigorously tested as the pesticides.

What's a parent to do? What's a human to do?! Everything contradicts everything and people have to make their own choices so, whatever I decide, someone is going to disagree and be judgmental. So I'm doomed to always worry about what people think!

In situations like this I try to find the answer through what I've learned in aikido. I'm a bit stumped with this one mainly because I know the solution without aikido: stop worrying about what people think! But that's easier said than done.

I recall having similar worries as a white belt when sensei would have us do a randori exercise. I didn't like randori back then. I didn't like being in the centre of a circle with everyone watching me. I thought they were laughing at me for getting mixed up or they were judging my rubbish ukemis. I sometimes wonder if sensei can read my thoughts because during one lesson he split the class into a number of small groups and spent time with my group going through a few 10th form exercises in a circle. He taught us the importance of positive attitude and showing confidence in the face of our attacker even if we were quivering underneath. Never let your opponent see doubt, never falter. Grimacing, tutting, stamping a foot... all that shows your opponent you got it wrong and there's a weakness they can use against you. If you get it wrong, so what? Move onto the next uke. (Later in my aikido experience, this lesson developed into training ourselves to "just do something" no matter if its wrong.)

I have to admit, I don't have a poker face! When I'm practicing a technique my partner can ALWAYS tell what's going on; if I'm pleased with myself, frustrated, confused or if I've started with the wrong foot! It's very hard not to stop half way through, grumble quietly, apologise and start again. Sensei is trying to teach me to just keep going and finish - even if I've done something completely different to what I'm supposed to. Anyway, I've got side tracked...

Now I look forward to randori! Because I've trained myself not to care what the others think. If I get it wrong it's ok, I figure out (or am told) what was wrong and I try again. That might not be so easy with a baby... life is so fragile - sometimes getting it wrong can be catastrophic! But if there was a difinitive guide to parenting, I wouldn't be writing this post. Most of the time you have to  weigh up the options and make the best choice for your family. I know I won't get it right every time but that's maybe where the aikido lesson comes in. If I have positivity and confidence in myself then any mistakes I do make I can learn from them and hopefully correct myself along the way. Not showing doubt and a lack of confidence, which is difficult for me, will not only help to prevent people judging and critising but it will also pave the way for Joseph to have total faith in his mummy making him feel more secure.

So when you see me out way past bedtime with Joseph in a front facing carrier, feeding him non-organic banana, don't judge me. I've done my research and made my decision. I just wish I didn't worry about what you think of it!!

Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin

Questions questions!

Following my post "life with a baby is a whole different ball game" a number of people who (very kindly) read my blog but don't pracrice aikido (why not?) Have asked "what are the answers to your mum's questions?" So, for those who haven't spoken to me or don't know me personally, here are the answers!

1. Who goes where in the line?
Mum was talking about lining out at the start and end of class when we bow to the Ki sign and Sensei. If you're facing the Ki sign, the line starts with the lowest grade at the left and moves up the grades to blue belt at the right. Brown belts make a line in front, then Dan grades (black belts) and then finally Sensei. If you have more than one person of the same grade (e.g 3 green belts), out of respect the person with the most experience goes furthest to the right. It sounds complicated but it isn't really. When you first start you'll be furthest to the left since you're the newest person. You then just keep moving to the right as new people join and you work through your grades. That's why white belts are so important. Every new white belt pushes the rest of us along the line and encourages us to keep improving.

2. How come sensei picks on that one guy?
Mum was talking about Uke here. Sensei used him to demonstrate techniques all through that particular class and there's nothing more impressive than Sensei and Uke doing kokinage. It's considered an honour to be Sensei's uke. It means he trusts you with his own safety and that of the class. It means he knows you'll follow the Ki principles and that the technique will be demonstrated accurately.

3. Who teaches sensei?
We do! Not in the same way that he teaches us but you'll find an earlier post on this blog that tries to explain how I was learning from white belt students even though I was in a teaching position. People learn in different ways, they interpret instructions in different ways and ask different questions so that Sensei always has to be on top of his game.

4. Why aren't some of the white belts doing that exercise?
I have explained in a previous post that your white belt is the most important belt you have. You'll have it forever (since all new Gis come with a white belt so you don't need to pass it down to anyone) and you learn the aikido basics which will be developed through all the grades so it's important to get a good basic understanding of the techniques and Ki exercises at this level. As people learn and develop at different paces  (and people start at different times) so you may find that, at all levels, some students will be doing slightly different things. On that occasion when my mum asked the question, students were practicing Kokyunage focusing on throwing partner outwards by using Ki. Some beginners have not yet been taught ukemis and so they have to continue to practice roll-to-stand. Others are new to ukemis and so nage has to be extra careful. Ki can be very powerful even if you don't realise you're using it! In fact, its when you don't realise how powerful it is that accidents can happen.

5. How come only some people wear the "fancy black trousers"?
With this question my mum was referring to the hakama. All the ladies wear them as, back in the old days, the Gi was peoples' pyjamas so its not very lady-like to be running around in nightwear! This may seem a bit old fashioned and, it could be argued, sexist. But its the rule. In addition to the ladies, all Dan grades wear hakama along with the black belt.

So I hope that clears up some intrigue. If you have any other questions just pop them in a comment and I'll do my best to answer!

A guide to "getting it wrong"

In one of the Star Wars films Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try" but when it comes to aikido you'll seldom get it right first time! So it's important to try.

Just because aikido lessons can look calm and focused, it doesn't make it easy. I hardly ever get it right first time. Often Sensei will demonstrate something then tell us to go do it. I do try to copy and it looked straight forward but actually doing it is a different matter.

I used to beat myself up about that. I'd go home and whine to Michael "how come everyone else can do it and I'm rubbish?" But I, of all people, should understand that we all have different learning styles. I'm a reflector which means I'll yo yo between doing and analysing so it takes me a bit longer to work things out. Take a randori for example. Sensei demonstrates what we've to do and then the circle is open for students to do it in turn. Usually (as per etiquette) the highest grade student goes first and we work our way down the grades. This is perfect because it means I can watch and analyse it before its my turn. Sometimes that works and I do get it right, other times it turns into a muddle of arms and legs. But one thing Sensei has always said is "it doesn't matter if you get it wrong, just do something". This all comes down to confidence and attitude. If you're being attacked by 4 guys you can't just hold up your hand and say "hang on a minute till I think... what's 10th form again? Ok GO!"

Every now and again I get stuck. Take 6th form tenchinage. That's a scary technique and it's difficult to relax and not hold back. Last night I just couldn't get myself in the right position to get the technique to work. I think Dan had to use every ounce of patience he could muster! Yet when I got home and tried it on michael it worked perfectly first time (and believe me, he doesn't let me off lightly!). Just goes to show you what relaxation and confidence can do! And a little bit of competitiveness...

And so, from my experience, here is my guide to "getting it wrong":

- don't beat yourself up. If you've tried to follow the instructions and you haven't been disrespectful then at least you made a go of it. Always give 100% and nobody will ask anymore of you. You'll get it eventually and then something else will come along.
- "it doesn't matter if you get it wrong, just do something". If you're being attacked you need to protect yourself so do something! This is, in fact, much easier said than done!
- you're allowed to ask questions. Be respectful about it though. The highest grade in your group does the teaching so ask them for their guidance. If you don't think it's right keep your mouth shut for now and ask Sensei quietly later on. If you're the highest grade and you don't know the answer, ask Sensei.
- never chastise someone else for getting it wrong. Everyone is trying their best so be patient. One day the tables will be turned.
- you will have at least one nemesis. For me it's nikkyo (and at the moment 6th form tenchinage). Don't get worked up. See my first point - at least you're trying.

So, in short, the great Yoda obviously did not practice aikido because it's important to try even if you don't get it first time. I prefer the quote by O-sensei: Failure is the key to success. Every mistake teaches us something.

Breaking through the pain barrier

Aikido is known as "the way of peace" but just because it's designed to be less aggressive that doesn't make it easy and ineffective. Aikido is a difficult martial art to master and even Sensei will tell you that he still has a lot to learn.  Personally I think it's good that you work to get better, you don't work to be perfect. It means aikido will be useful but never boring. It means your martial art doesn't end at black belt. It means that when you do achieve a pass at grading you know you've worked damn hard to get there. 

For me, my first pain barrier was the roll-to-stand break fall. My leg muscles didn't know what had hit them and I fell out of bed the next morning! But, by comparison, that pain barrier was easy to get over. The ukemis were next. Constantly putting pressure on certain parts of your back will feel like the muscles are ripping and your bones have cracked. It's unlikely they're ripping and cracking - especially if you have been following instructions - but it does take quite a bit of practice. I remember, very early on, spending the best part of a single lesson with Dan just doing ukemi after ukemi after ukemi. Eventually I got the hang of it but it took a while. I'm still not great at over-the-tops or "splats" as I call them. I need to relax more which is the opposite of what my brain is telling my body!

From time to time I'd have a particularly tough day at work or I'd be sitting in front of the TV and think "I REALLY cannot be bothered going to class" and I would drag myself over to the dojo. Believe it or not, when you're absolutely knackered its the best time to go to class. Because you're tired, your body is more relaxed and your weight is more underside so the techniques actually work better! So you end up leaving class more energetic and ready to go again! I got over the phase of dragging my heels into class because I thoroughly enjoy it so it's never a chore. However, these days I've never known exhaustion like it. My eyes ache I'm so tired.  I'm guessing this is my life from now on though since Joseph will only get more energetic so my body is having to go through the phase all over again but on an advanced level! The difference is that I have a greater determination - I've come too far and learned too much to let a little bit of tiredness take over.

More recently (since returning from "maternity leave") it's been weapons and kneeling techniques that are challenging me. Last week, each green belt did in excess of 300 bokkan cuts in half an hour. That's a lot! I said to Uke that I'd be rubbish in a real battle as I was shattered. His response being "the harder you work the more your body will deal with it". Internally I sighed a huge sigh. He's right - I'd pushed past the ukemi pain barrier and I'm getting there with the tiredness (again), this is just one more barrier to overcome.  By the end of this weapons session my shoulder and neck muscles were so sore that they could barely support my head. But we still had over half an hour of class left so I soon forgot about it! Until the next day when every muscle above my waist was screaming at me. But then I know that I've worked really hard so actually the day-after-pain (and incidentally day-after-day-after-pain which is even worse) is a good sign!

The kneeling exercises are new. I know the techniques we're expected to do because I practiced standing with Michael and Chip (name changed for annonimty) but kneeling is completely different! For one, the hakama totally gets in the way - one foot gets stuck up the other leg or both feet get wrapped in the material! So I need to learn to keep my balance whilst having no feet! Secondly, even if the hakama stays where it's supposed to, the techniques themselves become different because you have to overcome the disadvantage of being lower down than your opponent. And lastly, oh my god the ankles hurt big time! I didn't even notice it during class. It was the next morning when I woke up and found that I couldn't feel my feet! Again, just like the ukemis and (hopefully) weapons practice, this pain barrier will be overcome.

Have you ever seen the film "Run Fat Boy Run"? It's exactly like running through an imaginary wall - break through that pain barrier and you can be left in peace to practice the technique and get it to the standard you need for grading. Until then, I'll wake up on Tuesday mornings and think "I REALLY cannot be bothered going to class" then go, enjoy myself, break past that barrier, feel like I can take on the whole world, collapse into bed and then congratulate myself the next day because I can barely move. I love aikido!