To "assume" makes an ass of u and me!

This post is more about life observation than aikido but it can apply in the dojo...

On the 10 minute walk to work in the morning from Glasgow Central to the City Chambers, I pass at least 4 beggars and homeless people. I walk past quickly because I'm afraid to think too much. It's shameful of me but I'd get upset otherwise. If I do let my thoughts wonder a bit then it's always about my lack of understanding. How did these people get into their predicaments? How tragic that they don't have family and friends to go to for help.

One day last week a few of my colleagues and I got into a discussion about the reports in the media and how one beggar was making hundreds of pounds a day. One of the managers advised us not to give the beggars in the city centre any money because it's all run by criminal gangs and it's the gang bosses that keep the money.

So all beggars are rich and are fuelling gang crime...

Uh huh.

As some things in life have a habit of tying together, I read an article in the company magazine by a lady who had been rushing to catch her train home one day. She chose her seat and settled down to read her book. To her irritation, a drunk man sat opposite her. Dirty and stinking of booze he confirmed he'd been out since the night before and was moguered. The lady was disgusted and plotted her escape to another seat. But as it turned out, "Jimmy" was a good laugh and had a fair but of banter going with most of the passengers around him.

When they got to their destination, the lady bid the man farewell and advised him to go home for a good sleep. "That I will Mrs," he said, "got the all clear this morning. Haven't slept properly for nearly a year!"

Suddenly, Jimmy was no longer the dirty drunken ass who everyone tried to avoid. Suddenly, Jimmy was a strong human being who had just beaten cancer!

Just goes to show that our judgements and assumptions can be way off the truth.

Have the courage to be softer

Sensei often teaches us about softness in our techniques. You don't have to be strong and aggressive in aikido.  In fact, being soft in your technique and using Ki makes your actions more powerful.  I came across a beautiful poem through a friend on Facebook and part of it is very relevant to the above point.

"So often it seems like the answer must be to toughen up. Get a thicker skin. Become harder. Meaner. More aggressive.

It's not.

Maybe all we need to remember is the sweeping power of our softness.

[...]

Tenderness is wisdom; gentleness is strengh; sensitivity is gold."

Sarah L Harvey

The article below is by the same author. A beautiful peace of writing that talks about having courage to relax:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/05/this-is-courage-the-breathtaking-bravery-in-relaxation/

Enjoy!

Etiquette please

I was reading an article the other day (can't remember who wrote it and why I came across it) which was discussing the "death of the martial artist". With the rise of competitive sports and the increasingly televised Ultimate Fighting Champion (UFC), the writer had observed that the respectful, peaceful , disciplined martial artist no longer exists.

I'm assuming this observation is based in America as I don't think UFC is as big here as it is there (although, as always, we'll no doubt catch up). But I do think that it's a sad state of affairs.

The peace and discipline of the dojo is a welcome change in a world of stress, problem solving, conflict and bad news.

I like the fact that "what sensei says, goes!" and that this is respected. It means I don't have to negotiate for the umpteenth time that day. I like that I don't have to compete with other students after tumbling around a competitive business environment all day. Or, even worse, resisting the temptation to compete with other parents! I like that there are rules and etiquette to follow because then I know exactly what's expected of me. Comments are never underhanded and tests aren't sprung on us.

If these qualities of martial arts is dissipating in favour of competition and profit then it just becomes a part of the every day grind of life. Nothing special.

In this constantly connected, fast paced, demanding world, I only hope that people will continue to appreciate the spirit of martial arts.

Lifting the block

I have to say that I've come up against a bit of writer's block recently.  I leave class each Tuesday thinking "that thing that sensei said was really interesting... I'll write about that." I then start a blog post and I either get stumped after one sentence or I think about it too much and the post is just a big ramble of nonsense.

I have about 10 draft posts sitting on my blogger dashboard and none of them are finished!

I think my mind has been consumed by the new chapter in my life - I'm now a working mother! Going back to work was hard. I'll be honest, ki breathing went out the window. Focusing on one point went out the window. Relaxing with weight underside didn't even get a chance! And because I was hyper anxious, so was Joseph which meant nobody slept for about a week before my first day back! There were tears, tantrums and snotters. And that was just me!

In class yesterday, 2 of the brown belts were practicing kiatsu for most of the class because one of them has a bad back. I have no shame in admitting my jealousy! My back hasn't been the same since the third trimester of pregnancy and I'd actually forgotten about kiatsu so I was longing for someone to channel some energy into my tired aching muscles.

I could have done a little happy dance when sensei gave the rest of us time to do it at the end of class. It's hard to describe the effects of kiatsu but I'd go as far as to say it's even better than a massage. You come away from it feeling so relaxed and light and at peace... It's just lovely.

My sister would say something along the lines of "I haven't got time for this voodoo nonsense" and there are a lot of people who will turn their backs on alternative healing. I come from a scientific family so many of them switch off when I start talking about Ki and the power of the mind.

But last night... that was exactly what I needed. We didn't have long but it was so wonderful to stop. Just to stop. Breathe. Feel the energy. Let it sink into the body and feel that tension ebb away.

And I sit here in my rocking chair with wee Joseph sleeping peacefully, grateful for the healing energy my partner gave me. Grateful for the opportunity to get my focus back. To just be me. A busy, dedicated, fun, sometimes loopy, hard working, loving mum and wife. Bring it on!

Boob!

Some people may find the title of this post embarrassing or even offensive and I did hesitate to use it... but I do have a reason for it:

A couple of nights ago (and by "night" I mean 2am) Joseph discovered the "buh" sound. As this was a new discovery he repeated it for ages as he tried to make other sounds with it. Suddenly out of nowhere he shouts "boooob"! And because he got a reaction from me (uncontrolled giggling) he repeated it continously until he finally tired himself out at 3am!

And, of course, since I wasn't sleeping I had time to think! Way back when I first started aikido I was sensei's only adult female student. This didn't pose a problem for sensei or Dan or the more experienced aikidoka. But I noticed other students would hold back when attacking. Or even avoid me when we were told to pair up. I never let that get to me though so this post isn't a complaint. It's more about men having to work with women in the dojo and my experiences of this.

If you're a man:
While respecting the fact that the ladies have breasts, you will at some point accidentally brush a boob. Or hit it! The chances are she won't have noticed but if she does then it's manners to apologise. Don't try to pretend it never happened, that's even more disrespectful. You can even have a laugh about it but whatever you do do not announce that she "should have got them out the way"! While she possibly didn't move fast enough to avoid your slight of the hand, what if the roles were reversed? What if she accidentally hit you where it hurts? "You should have got it out the way" doesn't really apply does it?

If you're a woman:
Don't worry! I've been doing aikido for 4 years and my boobs have been brushed only a handful of times. Nobody has hit me full force on the boob. I've been poked in the eye, hit on the nose, my arms and wrists have been all colours of bruise but my boobs are unscathed!

Seriously though, the situation is about more than boobs. Most men will have been brought up to respect women and never to lift their hand to them and so it goes against the fibres of their being to attack a woman even in a controlled environment like the dojo. I understand this and it's good that they don't find it easy to attack females. I get that it's difficult to do the opposite of everything you believe in.  But bear in mind that you're not attacking her out of malice or anger. You're doing it out of support and encouragement as part of a lesson. My advice to everyone is this: when you're in the dojo, whether you're male or female, never hold back your attack or do the techniques half assed because you're working with a woman. If she is attacked in real life her attacker isn't going to hold back so you aren't doing her any favours since she won't learn how to deal with it properly.

My argument is that by attacking everyone (in the dojo) whole heartedly, you're giving everyone the chance to learn and grow.

The problem with Steven

I saw a film called Bulletproof Monk last night. I love a good Hollywood martial arts movie so I do! It's a guilty pleasure because you probably wouldn't describe any of them as "good". But I'm mesmerised by Jet Lee, rely on Jackie Chan for a good giggle and you can guarantee a whole load of action from Chow Yun Fat. (Incidentally, it seems Chow Yun Fat isn't a martial artist at all - he's just very good at choreography and stunts!)

Obviously the most famous aikido practitioner is Steven Seagal. I love watching out for a nikkyo, tenchinage or a kotageshi (dramatically sending the attacker into an over-the-top and through a wall).

Unfortunately for me though I find Steven Seagal's movies more frustrating than anything else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting his abilities off-screen. But the camera angles and editing are designed to create drama and thrills which, in my opinion, takes the true awesomeness away from the art. Maybe it's like a doctor or nurse watching Casualty. They're so involved with the reality that they know when something in a hospital TV programme is dramatised for the audience. Kind of ruins it for them and others watching it with them! And Steven Seagal might have black belts in aikido, karate, judo and kendo but, with all due respect, he can't act for peanut butter.

Anyway, that doesn't stop me enjoying a bit of Under Seige!

Poker face (and non-organic bananas)

There are people who aren't bothered about what other people think. I believe they still care about those other people... just not what they think. These people can make choices and be confident they've made the right one. I'm not one of these people! I worry about what others think which has an effect on my confidence and leaves me a tad vulnerable to criticism.

I have found myself thinking about this recently. Over the past couple of weeks Michael has had to bring Joseph to the dojo and they've sat at the side of the mat. This is because I breastfeed and Joseph is suddenly refusing to take the bottle from Michael when I'm not around. He just screams till I come home (Joseph not Michael... ok maybe Michael's head is also screaming!) But we think that having a baby scream for three and a half hours at home is more cruel than having him quiet and happy with daddy at the side of the mat even that late at night when he should be asleep!

Only, I worry that people think we're being bad parents. You don't see people coming to the gym with their 5 month old baby in tow! Before having Joseph, I'd have been one of those people thinking 'hmmm, that's a bit strange... bringing your baby out at 8pm!' I'd like to think that I wouldn't have gone as far as judging them. But people do judge and my biggest worry is that some busy-body will take it even further and call social services!

It's a bit unfair of me to call them a busy-body I suppose. We all have a duty to report it if we suspect a child is being abused or mistreated. But hopefully they'd see that Joseph isn't short of people looking out for him. It's the love of his parents that has Joseph out on a Tuesday night in the first place! And there's a whole aikido family giving him love and protection.

Unfortunately I do worry about what people think despite trying not to! It's particularly difficult since becoming a parent. Just today I was reading an article about the physical dangers of front facing baby carriers to the point that the author suggested they should all be burned. Then in the same sitting I read another article that reported there's no scientific evidence to show that front facing carriers are dangerous for your baby. Same with organic food. There's such a lot of scaremongering about the "dangers" of pesticide residue but there's a largely unreported argument that organic food is potentially more dangerous because the residue of the chemicals used to deter pests have not been as rigorously tested as the pesticides.

What's a parent to do? What's a human to do?! Everything contradicts everything and people have to make their own choices so, whatever I decide, someone is going to disagree and be judgmental. So I'm doomed to always worry about what people think!

In situations like this I try to find the answer through what I've learned in aikido. I'm a bit stumped with this one mainly because I know the solution without aikido: stop worrying about what people think! But that's easier said than done.

I recall having similar worries as a white belt when sensei would have us do a randori exercise. I didn't like randori back then. I didn't like being in the centre of a circle with everyone watching me. I thought they were laughing at me for getting mixed up or they were judging my rubbish ukemis. I sometimes wonder if sensei can read my thoughts because during one lesson he split the class into a number of small groups and spent time with my group going through a few 10th form exercises in a circle. He taught us the importance of positive attitude and showing confidence in the face of our attacker even if we were quivering underneath. Never let your opponent see doubt, never falter. Grimacing, tutting, stamping a foot... all that shows your opponent you got it wrong and there's a weakness they can use against you. If you get it wrong, so what? Move onto the next uke. (Later in my aikido experience, this lesson developed into training ourselves to "just do something" no matter if its wrong.)

I have to admit, I don't have a poker face! When I'm practicing a technique my partner can ALWAYS tell what's going on; if I'm pleased with myself, frustrated, confused or if I've started with the wrong foot! It's very hard not to stop half way through, grumble quietly, apologise and start again. Sensei is trying to teach me to just keep going and finish - even if I've done something completely different to what I'm supposed to. Anyway, I've got side tracked...

Now I look forward to randori! Because I've trained myself not to care what the others think. If I get it wrong it's ok, I figure out (or am told) what was wrong and I try again. That might not be so easy with a baby... life is so fragile - sometimes getting it wrong can be catastrophic! But if there was a difinitive guide to parenting, I wouldn't be writing this post. Most of the time you have to  weigh up the options and make the best choice for your family. I know I won't get it right every time but that's maybe where the aikido lesson comes in. If I have positivity and confidence in myself then any mistakes I do make I can learn from them and hopefully correct myself along the way. Not showing doubt and a lack of confidence, which is difficult for me, will not only help to prevent people judging and critising but it will also pave the way for Joseph to have total faith in his mummy making him feel more secure.

So when you see me out way past bedtime with Joseph in a front facing carrier, feeding him non-organic banana, don't judge me. I've done my research and made my decision. I just wish I didn't worry about what you think of it!!

Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin