Mental Health

I wasn’t sure about making the title of this post “mental health”. In my experience, people are scared of these 2 words. Both those who have mental health issues and those that know nothing about it. There are even people who are so scared of these words that they refuse to acknowledge them.

I’m ashamed to admit that I was one of those people who refused to acknowledge some mental health issues as a genuine illness. Don’t get me wrong, I understood that people had conditions such as split personalities but I always thought that conditions like stress, anxiety, depression were all states of the mind that the sufferer could do something about. If you’re depressed, do something that makes you happy! If you’re anxious about something, don’t do it! Why do you get stressed out at work? It’s just work!

How naive. How inconsiderate and downright ignorant.

I am an anxious person. I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep all of the people happy all of the time often at the expense of my own happiness. And I’ve always viewed this as a weakness. I’m not a “lovely person”, I’m a push over. I was bullied at school for being “too nice”! Can you believe that?! I never considered my anxiety as a mental health issue though. Even when my entire body succumbed to a harsh onset of eczema where blisters formed all over my skin. I had to go on a course of steroids but my thoughts were not “I need help to handle my stress and anxiety”. Rather they were “how stupid of you to get into this mes. Get a grip!”

I still struggle to understand. I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve found out all the answers because that would be lying. but something happened recently to make me think twice. I suffered postnatal anxiety. Yes, the woman who does Aikido. Knows how to breathe properly. Can lower her heart rate so that she can think straight. The woman who thought “I will never have postnatal depression because I’m happy and grateful for what I have.
The very same woman suddenly found herself burning up into a rage at the drop of a hat. No warning, no trigger. It got more and more frequent. I would blow up at my children for absolutely no reason at all. It got so bad that one of my outbursts caused me to accidentally hurt my son (not badly - I was carrying him in an awkward position because I also had to a steer the baby pram and didn’t realise at the time that my finger nails were digging into his tummy). I felt so guilty I hurt myself (again, not badly) as punishment.

That was me.

After that incident I became absolutely terrified that I’d do it again. I went to the GP who told me, in so many words, it’s just a phase, do yoga.
Yoga?! To fix the fact I can fly into a rage with no warning and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop it? To fix the fact I can’t handle my 3 year old who’s doing nothing except being 3! I can’t handle the extra responsibility of keeping a second child alive!
I felt so isolated and I constantly worried about when the next “attack” would surface which was basically causing me to go round in circles.

However when I thought about it, my attention turned to the many times I have considered the similarities between yoga and ki exercises. Maybe the GP wasn’t entirely wide of the mark? So I went back to the basics. Ki breathing as often as I can, a bit of meditation here and there and some stretches (which the boy tries to copy and actually turns into a bit of a laugh). I have stopped pressuring myself to have a clean and tidy home all the time - as a result my house is an absolute midden and I’m not yet at the stage where I can happily invite people over but I’m learning to live with it!

As usual I’ve veered off the point :) This post isn’t supposed to be about my treatment. This is about acknowledging, to myself and you, that I have no idea what’s going on in my own head most of the time. How dare I judge others for not knowing the same. How can I dismiss someone’s mental health when I wouldn’t ever dismiss my own feelings? The uncontrollable rage and foreboding sense of misdirection. There were things happening to me and I didn’t know what they were or how to stop them and it was bloody scary. My children were witnessing one very shouty and tearful mummy. A loose cannon. And the guilt that came with that was incredibly overwhelming. I had to do something about it for the sake of my family.

I reached out. I reset myself. I’m not saying it “fixed” me. I’m no longer saying it’s simple to treat stress and anxiety or any other mental health issue. I wanted to write this post, not only to acknowledge my lack of knowledge and to apologise to all those suffering mental health disorders for my flippancy, but also so that others who are suffering can read this and not feel so alone. Nobody talks about this stuff. Particularly mothers who don’t want the outside world to think they’re not coping. If you feel negativity, Frightened, Angry... Like you can’t be bothered... Please talk to someone. Thankfully I quickly found my own answer to help me cope but I now know that’s not the same for everyone. Maybe you will continue to struggle for a bit before you find something that works for you.

Either way, please remember you’re not alone and you shouldn’t stay silent.

xxx

Just do it!

Today my 3 year old son started a theatre group. He’s a bit of a showman and always up for a game so I knew he’d enjoy it. On the way back to the car I asked him what sort of things he’d done in class.  “We had to sit down and then stand up and then run when we were told” he said. “Sounds like hard work!” I replied. The next thing I know he’s sitting down in the middle of the pavement! “You’ve to sit down mummy!” he shouted excitedly. I didn’t know what to do. His wee face was so full of excitement and fun, I didn’t want to ruin it. But at the same time, I’m an adult! I can’t sit in the middle of the pavement while people walk round us and people in their cars stare! But you know what? I sat down! Why not? He didn’t care where he was he just did it! iit was a game, a subconscious reflection of learning, eagerness to show me what he can do, a simple 3 year old need learn through play.

I sat down because it reminded me of a very valuable lesson I learned in Aikido quite early on. When we first started doing things in a circle taking turns to go into the middle and do the technique, I was really uncomfortable. I was afraid of doing something wrong and people would laugh. Sensei must have picked up on this (he observes a lot more than you think!) and, without making it obvious and singling me out, we practiced randori with a smaller group at first. Who cares if you get it wrong, at least you tried. So what if people laugh, (they shouldn’t in a dojo - terribly disrespectful - but outside people don’t think) at least you’re doing something.

That said, I am still uncomfortable being the first in the middle. Not for the reasons above but because that’s who I am. My learning takes a reflector style. I like to watch and then do. I’m not a do-first-think-later kind of person. I could never just jump in with both feet but I’m getting better at not waiting till the very end!

And so when my son wanted me to share his learning with him, I did. Even if it meant sitting down in the middle of the street! Who cares what people were thinking. Who cares that a couple of people had to walk round us. Joseph was reflecting on something he had learned. Who was I, of all people, to prevent that.

So jump in with both feet if that’s your thing. Hold back a few minutes if you want to. But whatever you do, take a leaf out of the 3 year old’s book and just do it. If you get it wrong it’s ok, at least you tried :)

Just breathe

Wow, 9 months since I did a blog post! It does not feel like that at all! Life is busy. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. I'm fed up explaining to people why I'm a bit slower to do things, why my mind might not fully be on the task at hand or why they (and their wants) are not my top priority. My son is my top priority. His needs come first. Then mine and my husband's. Everything else comes after and I refuse to feel guilty about it anymore.

With this decision came huge relief! Without the stress of trying to please everyone, I'm happier.

"Where does aikido fit in?" I hear you ask. Aikido is a part of both my life and my husband's so it's not difficult to keep it there! On that note, I'd like to go back to a blog post from a while back when my son was first born. I wrote about my experience of breathing properly when I had to go for an emergency section. More recently, the importance of breathing properly has come up again but for dealing with stress in general. There are a lot of changes happening at work, my son is starting his tantrums, there have been a couple of deaths in my family recently and sometimes I feel it all crushing down on me. It's because I have forgotten to breathe properly.

If you haven't thought about it before, I urge you to do so. Fill your lungs as much as you can then exhale slow and steady. Do this 3 or 4 times and you'd be surprised how much better you feel.

This isn't a disguised ramble about the wonders of Ki breathing. A simple google search on the benefits of breathing properly will show there is science behind it too!

So it's time to breathe, stay focussed and be happy. No more stressing to try and please everyone while pleasing no one!

To "assume" makes an ass of u and me!

This post is more about life observation than aikido but it can apply in the dojo...

On the 10 minute walk to work in the morning from Glasgow Central to the City Chambers, I pass at least 4 beggars and homeless people. I walk past quickly because I'm afraid to think too much. It's shameful of me but I'd get upset otherwise. If I do let my thoughts wonder a bit then it's always about my lack of understanding. How did these people get into their predicaments? How tragic that they don't have family and friends to go to for help.

One day last week a few of my colleagues and I got into a discussion about the reports in the media and how one beggar was making hundreds of pounds a day. One of the managers advised us not to give the beggars in the city centre any money because it's all run by criminal gangs and it's the gang bosses that keep the money.

So all beggars are rich and are fuelling gang crime...

Uh huh.

As some things in life have a habit of tying together, I read an article in the company magazine by a lady who had been rushing to catch her train home one day. She chose her seat and settled down to read her book. To her irritation, a drunk man sat opposite her. Dirty and stinking of booze he confirmed he'd been out since the night before and was moguered. The lady was disgusted and plotted her escape to another seat. But as it turned out, "Jimmy" was a good laugh and had a fair but of banter going with most of the passengers around him.

When they got to their destination, the lady bid the man farewell and advised him to go home for a good sleep. "That I will Mrs," he said, "got the all clear this morning. Haven't slept properly for nearly a year!"

Suddenly, Jimmy was no longer the dirty drunken ass who everyone tried to avoid. Suddenly, Jimmy was a strong human being who had just beaten cancer!

Just goes to show that our judgements and assumptions can be way off the truth.

Have the courage to be softer

Sensei often teaches us about softness in our techniques. You don't have to be strong and aggressive in aikido.  In fact, being soft in your technique and using Ki makes your actions more powerful.  I came across a beautiful poem through a friend on Facebook and part of it is very relevant to the above point.

"So often it seems like the answer must be to toughen up. Get a thicker skin. Become harder. Meaner. More aggressive.

It's not.

Maybe all we need to remember is the sweeping power of our softness.

[...]

Tenderness is wisdom; gentleness is strengh; sensitivity is gold."

Sarah L Harvey

The article below is by the same author. A beautiful peace of writing that talks about having courage to relax:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/05/this-is-courage-the-breathtaking-bravery-in-relaxation/

Enjoy!

Etiquette please

I was reading an article the other day (can't remember who wrote it and why I came across it) which was discussing the "death of the martial artist". With the rise of competitive sports and the increasingly televised Ultimate Fighting Champion (UFC), the writer had observed that the respectful, peaceful , disciplined martial artist no longer exists.

I'm assuming this observation is based in America as I don't think UFC is as big here as it is there (although, as always, we'll no doubt catch up). But I do think that it's a sad state of affairs.

The peace and discipline of the dojo is a welcome change in a world of stress, problem solving, conflict and bad news.

I like the fact that "what sensei says, goes!" and that this is respected. It means I don't have to negotiate for the umpteenth time that day. I like that I don't have to compete with other students after tumbling around a competitive business environment all day. Or, even worse, resisting the temptation to compete with other parents! I like that there are rules and etiquette to follow because then I know exactly what's expected of me. Comments are never underhanded and tests aren't sprung on us.

If these qualities of martial arts is dissipating in favour of competition and profit then it just becomes a part of the every day grind of life. Nothing special.

In this constantly connected, fast paced, demanding world, I only hope that people will continue to appreciate the spirit of martial arts.

Lifting the block

I have to say that I've come up against a bit of writer's block recently.  I leave class each Tuesday thinking "that thing that sensei said was really interesting... I'll write about that." I then start a blog post and I either get stumped after one sentence or I think about it too much and the post is just a big ramble of nonsense.

I have about 10 draft posts sitting on my blogger dashboard and none of them are finished!

I think my mind has been consumed by the new chapter in my life - I'm now a working mother! Going back to work was hard. I'll be honest, ki breathing went out the window. Focusing on one point went out the window. Relaxing with weight underside didn't even get a chance! And because I was hyper anxious, so was Joseph which meant nobody slept for about a week before my first day back! There were tears, tantrums and snotters. And that was just me!

In class yesterday, 2 of the brown belts were practicing kiatsu for most of the class because one of them has a bad back. I have no shame in admitting my jealousy! My back hasn't been the same since the third trimester of pregnancy and I'd actually forgotten about kiatsu so I was longing for someone to channel some energy into my tired aching muscles.

I could have done a little happy dance when sensei gave the rest of us time to do it at the end of class. It's hard to describe the effects of kiatsu but I'd go as far as to say it's even better than a massage. You come away from it feeling so relaxed and light and at peace... It's just lovely.

My sister would say something along the lines of "I haven't got time for this voodoo nonsense" and there are a lot of people who will turn their backs on alternative healing. I come from a scientific family so many of them switch off when I start talking about Ki and the power of the mind.

But last night... that was exactly what I needed. We didn't have long but it was so wonderful to stop. Just to stop. Breathe. Feel the energy. Let it sink into the body and feel that tension ebb away.

And I sit here in my rocking chair with wee Joseph sleeping peacefully, grateful for the healing energy my partner gave me. Grateful for the opportunity to get my focus back. To just be me. A busy, dedicated, fun, sometimes loopy, hard working, loving mum and wife. Bring it on!