I have mentioned my green belt grading in a few posts and promised that I would go into it in a bit more detail. Before I start, I'd like to point out that this post means no disrespect to anyone and is not meant to critisise those who were involved. I have a lot of respect for any sensei or fellow student who teaches and advises. Indeed, this event taught me a lot about myself and what I want to gain from practicing aikido so I'm actually very grateful for the experience.
I've always stuck by my own rule that if I don't feel ready for a grading then I don't put myself forward for it. I want to be the best I can be at each level before moving to the next. I don't ever want to be one of those people who get their black belt just for the sake of being able to say to people "I'm a black belt". Yes its an amazing achievement and one to be celebrated, but its only worth something if you've earned it. For my green belt I'd have quite happily gone another 6 months before grading but I decided to push myself. Its one thing not going for a grading because you're not ready... an entirely different thing not going just because you're scared.
So I worked hard. Probably harder than the work I put into my masters dissertation. But the day before the grading I genuinely felt I couldn't be any better at that level. It was by no means perfect but you'll never be perfect at aikido! And so I went to bed with the usual pre-grading jitters but satisfied that I was ready for my green belt. I knew I was ready, sensei knew it and my fellow students knew it.
On the day itself I wasn't as nervous as I've been before. My Ki breathing was more effective even if I didn't understand it. Michael and I got through the grading with Chip fairly unscathed. There were no major errors in the techniques and the Ki exercises went pretty well. In fact, the techniques went so well I actually enjoyed myself and I felt the Ki exercises were performed the best we'd ever done them!
I came off the mat pleased with my efforts.
And then we got the feedback.
The sensei who was grading us said that the techniques had been ok but the Ki was disappointing.
Have you ever been in a situation where you feel the world has crumbled around you and you're left perched in a big empty space with only a sad tumble weed for company? Just me then? :D
Seriously though, I've only felt that level of disappointment once before and that was when I failed Higher Chemistry (if I told you my dad was a chemistry teacher that might put the disappointment in context for you!).
I was utterly confused. I had felt, in myself, that the test hadn't gone THAT badly yet the grading sensei was telling me I barely deserved my green belt! In addition to that, the feedback is not private. Its given to you in front of the whole club and so to say I was mortified is an understatement. A million things went through my head afterwards: I KNOW I had performed the best I could so if it was that bad then why am I even here? If it was that bad, how come I still passed? If I was that bad why didn't my sensei tell me? I trusted him! There I was thinking I was doing well but the rest of the club were laughing at me because silly Marie was trying to do 5th form ikkyo haha!
I managed to hold back the tears. I have to say that's one of the things I'm most proud of! Normally I would have broken down and made a bigger ass of myself but this time I kept breathing and stayed calm. I held my head up and, according to the rest of the world, shrugged it off. Sensei would never have put me forward if I wasn't ready. If I was to be skeptical I'd say that's because it's his reputation on the line if I fail. But, if that's even a factor it's negligible. Sensei puts us forward because he believes in us, wants us to do well and knows we can do it.
I'm not going to go into a long-winded rant about why I think we were judged so harshly by the grading sensei. All I know for sure is that I had to turn this negative experience into a positive. I decided I would take the feedback, no matter how negative, and work with it. Sensei Wilson often talks about his notebook and that he always wrote down his own sensei's important lessons. So I decided writing down what I've learned would be a good way forward for me since it allows me to reflect on the lesson and think about how to apply it in future. However, with the best will in the world I'm rubbish at remembering to do stuff like that so I decided to modernise it a bit and create a blog. That way, maybe other people could learn along with me or use it to reflect on their own experiences. I decided to give the blog a Ki focus since its Ki-aikido I'm learning and without the Ki you only have "aido"!
So finally you have the background to this blog. Rather than turning me away from aikido, the green belt grading made me stronger both inside and outside the dojo. It was one of those major decisions in my life - I either had to give it up as a lost cause and move on or I had to embrace it as a way of life. Thankfully sensei helped me move in the direction of the latter. Aikido is a part of me and, through that, every Tuesday I have fun, success, and hard work with the most wonderful people - my aikido family!
