The infamous green belt grading

I have mentioned my green belt grading in a few posts and promised that I would go into it in a bit more detail.  Before I start, I'd like to point out that this post means no disrespect to anyone and is not meant to critisise those who were involved.  I have a lot of respect for any sensei or fellow student who teaches and advises.  Indeed, this event taught me a lot about myself and what I want to gain from practicing aikido so I'm actually very grateful for the experience.

I've always stuck by my own rule that if I don't feel ready for a grading then I don't put myself forward for it. I want to be the best I can be at each level before moving to the next. I don't ever want to be one of those people who get their black belt just for the sake of being able to say to people "I'm a black belt". Yes its an amazing achievement and one to be celebrated, but its only worth something if you've earned it. For my green belt I'd have quite happily gone another 6 months before grading but I decided to push myself. Its one thing not going for a grading because you're not ready... an entirely different thing not going just because you're scared.

So I worked hard. Probably harder than the work I put into my masters dissertation.  But the day before the grading I genuinely felt I couldn't be any better at that level. It was by no means perfect but you'll never be perfect at aikido! And so I went to bed with the usual pre-grading jitters but satisfied that I was ready for my green belt. I knew I was ready, sensei knew it and my fellow students knew it.

On the day itself I wasn't as nervous as I've been before.  My Ki breathing was more effective even if I didn't understand it. Michael and I got through the grading with Chip fairly unscathed. There were no major errors in the techniques and the Ki exercises went pretty well. In fact, the techniques went so well I actually enjoyed myself and I felt the Ki exercises were performed the best we'd ever done them!

I came off the mat pleased with my efforts.

And then we got the feedback.

The sensei who was grading us said that the techniques had been ok but the Ki was disappointing.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel the world has crumbled around you and you're left perched in a big empty space with only a sad tumble weed for company? Just me then? :D
Seriously though, I've only felt that level of disappointment once before and that was when I failed Higher Chemistry (if I told you my dad was a chemistry teacher that might put the disappointment in context for you!).

I was utterly confused. I had felt, in myself, that the test hadn't gone THAT badly yet the grading sensei was telling me I barely deserved my green belt!  In addition to that, the feedback is not private. Its given to you in front of the whole club and so to say I was mortified is an understatement. A million things went through my head afterwards: I KNOW I had performed the best I could so if it was that bad then why am I even here? If it was that bad, how come I still passed? If I was that bad why didn't my sensei tell me? I trusted him! There I was thinking I was doing well but the rest of the club were laughing at me because silly Marie was trying to do 5th form ikkyo haha!

I managed to hold back the tears. I have to say that's one of the things I'm most proud of! Normally I would have broken down and made a bigger ass of myself but this time I kept breathing and stayed calm. I held my head up and, according to the rest of the world, shrugged it off. Sensei would never have put me forward if I wasn't ready. If I was to be skeptical I'd say that's because it's his reputation on the line if I fail. But, if that's even a factor it's negligible. Sensei puts us forward because he believes in us, wants us to do well and knows we can do it.

I'm not going to go into a long-winded rant about why I think we were judged so harshly by the grading sensei. All I know for sure is that I had to turn this negative experience into a positive. I decided I would take the feedback, no matter how negative, and work with it. Sensei Wilson often talks about his notebook and that he always wrote down his own sensei's important lessons. So I decided writing down what I've learned would be a good way forward for me since it allows me to reflect on the lesson and think about how to apply it in future. However, with the best will in the world I'm rubbish at remembering to do stuff like that so I decided to modernise it a bit and create a blog. That way, maybe other people could learn along with me or use it to reflect on their own experiences. I decided to give the blog a Ki focus since its Ki-aikido I'm learning and without the Ki you only have "aido"!

So finally you have the background to this blog. Rather than turning me away from aikido, the green belt grading made me stronger both inside and outside the dojo. It was one of those major decisions in my life - I either had to give it up as a lost cause and move on or I had to embrace it as a way of life. Thankfully sensei helped me move in the direction of the latter. Aikido is a part of me and, through that, every Tuesday I have fun, success, and hard work with the most wonderful people - my aikido family!

The truth about gradings

With the next grading creeping ever closer, I thought I'd say a wee bit about them and what they mean (to me - other people may have had different experiences so feel free to comment!).  I'm not going to sit here and give you words of wisdom about how to pass a grading because, the truth is, there's no secret to that.  If you've practiced your techniques and Ki exercises then you shouldn't have a problem in passing to the next level.

Everyone should pass their grading.  Your sensei would not put you forward for a test if there was any possibility that you weren't good enough.  I have actually been to gradings where the student struggled through their tests.  Whether this was because their nerves took over to the extreme or because their sensei had misjudged their abilities, I don't know.  But I would hope that everyone involved had learned from that experience as no one should struggle through a grading.  My own view, which I've mentioned in a previous blog, is that I don't go for grading unless I'm absolutely sure of my own abilities at that level.  There have been times when sensei has been happy for me to go for grading but I have decided not to.  He has always believed in me and has accepted my decisions.  However, I've long been aware that I need believe in him!  If he thinks I'm ready then why am I resisting?  Nobody in my club has ever given me reason to doubt myself (with the exception of the green belt grading but I'll do a different post about that) so I don't know why I hesitate.  I tried to go for my green belt 6 months after the orange belt grading but something held me back.  This time, I made the decision as soon as I got my green belt that I'd be getting my blue belt in May.  Unfortunately a certain baby reversed that decision for me!  But Michael is still going for his and I'm really pleased about that.  Someone asked me if I felt cheated because it's not my fault I can't grade this time.  It technically is partly my fault (it takes 2 to tango!) but Michael is a good aikido practitioner (or aikidoka to give it the correct term) so why should I expect him to hold back?  That wouldn't be fair either.  So the whole point of this paragraph is that in order to go for your grading, trust your instincts.  If you don't feel ready, talk to sensei and if you don't want to go for it then don't.  On the other hand, if you feel ready and sensei hasn't suggested you go for your grading then, again, talk to him.  There's maybe something more that he needs to see from you before putting you forward and that's all part of the learning curve.  It's not an insult and it's not that he doesn't like you - quite the opposite!  He's making sure that when you get to black belt level, you are a black belt and not about to get knocked out during a bar fight on Saturday night (that's not the aikido way!).

So what happens in a grading?  It's not a case of ticking a box on a piece of paper and saying "yes sensei I can do that".  Oh no, it's not that easy!  You must demonstrate that you're able to do the techniques and Ki exercises suitable for your grade.  You might think that's a bit silly - if sensei knows you can do it then why do you need to be tested?  The same could be asked of the education system.  The teacher knows his/her students can do the work but, to formalise that and acknowledge their abilities, they need to be tested.

In a grading, the white belts always go first.  This does sound cruel - they're new to the experience, have no idea what to expect and yet we make them bumble through it first, alone!  But I think this is all part of the test and, despite being the lowest grade, a white belt grading isn't easy.  It isn't meant to be!  If you want your yellow belt badly enough then nothing will stop you going for it.  I remember being the biggest nervous wreck on the planet before my first grading.  However it was actually a nice nervousness because it was an experience I was keen to have - it was fear of the unknown that was giving me heart palpitations!  I remember being at class the night before my first grading and John (there were loads of Johns in our club so anonymity has been maintained!) told me that the room had lots of mirrors in it.  He said "you'll be fine Marie but whatever you do don't look in the effing mirrors!".  Cue nightmare about sensei strategically planting full length mirrors all over the mat so that I couldn't avoid looking in them!  The real experience was fine though - nobody was trying to trip me up with full-length mirrors and I was too busy concentrating on what I was doing to look into the wall mirrors.  My advice to white belts would be to breathe deeply and regularly before your name is called and then just go for it.  Allow yourself to show the other people in the room what you can do because you can do it and you deserve this moment on the mat.  Don't think about avoiding mistakes, think about your yellow belt.  And, if you can, steal a glance at sensei and you will see him standing or sitting with his virtual tail feathers on full display!

Obviously, the higher your grade the more difficult and numerous the techniques and Ki tests will be.  Again, compared with the education system, your highers (or whatever they're called these days!) were more difficult than the standard grades but your learning had also developed.  The same goes for Aikido.  The yellow belt, orange belt, green belt etc gradings should be no harder than the white belt grading if you've practiced and feel ready for it.  In fact they'll be less complicated because at least you'll know what's happening!

Gradings always stir up a mix of emotions for me.  Eagerness to show what I can do so that I can move onto the next level, anxiousness about making sensei proud, doubt about whether I should have gone for this after all and excitement because it's a celebration of people's achievements.  I don't have a miracle cure for nerves.  A bit of anxiousness is good to get the adrenaline pumping but it's not so good if it's making you feel sick and causing mind blocks!  A grading is not about anyone trying to catch you out and making you fail.  A grading is about you showing your sensei and fellow students what you can do and that you're ready for your next belt.  That little bit of extra pressure on you during the grading is making you stronger.  I've always enjoyed the celebratory atmosphere once a grading is finished.  There's a sense of relief, sure, but it's mainly about congratulations and celebrations (unintended Cliff Richard quote!) and that comes from everyone, even those who didn't grade.  Remember, congratulations should also be afforded to your sensei (because you wouldn't be there otherwise), any Dan Grades who helped you and the other students that you practiced with.  Without those people, you wouldn't be at the level you're at now.

And so, as you've read, there's no big secret about how to pass a grading.  If you've put in as much effort and practice as you can, sensei will respect that and will put you forward for the test when you're ready.  This is where the education system is nothing like aikido gradings - you never truly know if you've passed an exam until you get the results a few months later.  If you're in a grading with sensei's blessing, I'd suggest you're already at the next level and you just have to demonstrate it.  No sweat!