Ki outside the dojo

When i was preparing for the birth of my baby, I had a lot of time to think about Ki and I wrote my post "Pregnancy and Ki".  After writing that post, I continued to practise my breathing exercises and tried to focus on extending Ki while I was still doing the Tuesday class.  

Unfortunately, I had to stop going on the mat on Tuesdays as well because my tummy was too big to tie my hakama round it!  If I could have gone on the mat without it I would have but I feel the hakama is as much a part of me as my belt - even more so because the belt changes but the hakama doesn't.  For me, the 7 folds in the hakama serves to remind me about courage, honesty, loyalty, honour, justice, humanity and courtesy and, without it, I would feel a bit lost.  There's an argument that its just a bit of material and that women should not wear their hakama until they get their black belts, same as the men.  But until sensei tells me otherwise, I'll wear it!  I feel the hakama is more than a bit of material... it's more than an achievement.  My hakama is me.  And I'm not going to apologise for being cheesy!!

Anyway, I have strayed off the point of this blog post.

I was sitting in a meeting at work (before Joseph decided to be born early) when a man came into the room (one from outside the organisation whom I'd never met before) and he had everyone's attention the minute he stepped through the door.  There didn't appear to be an obvious reason for this - he wasn't loud and obnoxious or particularly handsome (not as handsome as my husband anyway ;) and he wore just a plain business suit so nothing that would particularly draw the eye.  And yet there was something about him.  He was a force in the room but not unpleasant or agressive. We discussed a lot of things about business in that meeting and, while there were disagreements, there was never an argument.  His attitude and behaviour were remarkable.

What was it about this stranger?

I decided the only explanation is that some people naturally extend Ki without knowing it.  I remember sensei mentioning this a while ago. Some people recognise it and work with it very easily while others have to search for it and practise.  I think I'm the latter!  I wish I had had time to speak to the guy after the meeting but business waits for no one and we all had to move on. I have no idea whether or not he was aware of his effect on people... if he purposely used it to his advantage.

Ive blogged before about the opposite type of person - one who saps your energy and sucks all the happiness out of the atmosphere. Or worse, bullies... people who get a kick out of making others miserable. I truly believe Ki can be used at any time (not just in techniques) and that it SHOULD be used to make life happier and more peaceful. It can be channelled through attitude, behaviour, actions and words but, unless you're lucky like that guy, it will need to be practiced!

In case you're interested, I'll finish my birth story as proof that using your Ki can make a difference:

After a while of practising my breathing exercises every day, I began to notice that I would go into a bit of, what I can only describe as, "a dwam". It sounds ridiculous but I was aware of my surroundings while being totally relaxed and at the same time I was tuning in with my baby and our energies were intertwining. I get a lighter version of that feeling when I first go on the mat and I'll kneel for about 5-10 seconds first before bowing.  Like letting go of the world and focussing on the here and now.  When the time came for Joseph to be born it was nothing like I'd imagined!  Because of my high blood pressure I had to have an emergency cesarean section.  I tell you, I have NEVER been so afraid as I was when I was on the operating table.  It's not comfortable and there are a gazillion lights and faces swimming in and out of your vision.  I was shaking so much I felt I was about to fall off the table.  Something had to be done... for my mental safety and the physical safety of my baby. So I stopped trying to focus on the lights and the people.  I started doing my breathing exercises and imagined my Ki being a physical force expanding from me and protecting me like a shield.  In my bubble I went to what I had recently discovered to be my husband's "happy place".  I pictured me, him and our baby on a beach up north - blue sky, big sunshine and the sound of the waves.  My body stopped shaking immediately. The surgeon even asked "are you doing that mindfulness stuff?"  I just nodded - I didn't want to come back into the room and it would take too long to explain. "Ki" I said but he probably thought I was saying "key"!  He commented on how he'd never seen it work so well.  I kid you not, the shaking stopped immediately and I was as calm as ever.  Next thing I knew, I was coming round from the anaesthetic and found out I have a son!

Peace does not mean no more conflict among humanity. Conflict is bound to happen, so in order to keep peace in spite of conflict, the only realistic method is the spirit of dialogue, respecting the other side and understanding their viewpoint. We need to try to solve problems in the spirit of brotherhood and sisterhood, in a spirit of reconciliation and compromise.— The Dalai Lama
Your spirit is your true shield— Morihei Ueshiba

The infamous green belt grading

I have mentioned my green belt grading in a few posts and promised that I would go into it in a bit more detail.  Before I start, I'd like to point out that this post means no disrespect to anyone and is not meant to critisise those who were involved.  I have a lot of respect for any sensei or fellow student who teaches and advises.  Indeed, this event taught me a lot about myself and what I want to gain from practicing aikido so I'm actually very grateful for the experience.

I've always stuck by my own rule that if I don't feel ready for a grading then I don't put myself forward for it. I want to be the best I can be at each level before moving to the next. I don't ever want to be one of those people who get their black belt just for the sake of being able to say to people "I'm a black belt". Yes its an amazing achievement and one to be celebrated, but its only worth something if you've earned it. For my green belt I'd have quite happily gone another 6 months before grading but I decided to push myself. Its one thing not going for a grading because you're not ready... an entirely different thing not going just because you're scared.

So I worked hard. Probably harder than the work I put into my masters dissertation.  But the day before the grading I genuinely felt I couldn't be any better at that level. It was by no means perfect but you'll never be perfect at aikido! And so I went to bed with the usual pre-grading jitters but satisfied that I was ready for my green belt. I knew I was ready, sensei knew it and my fellow students knew it.

On the day itself I wasn't as nervous as I've been before.  My Ki breathing was more effective even if I didn't understand it. Michael and I got through the grading with Chip fairly unscathed. There were no major errors in the techniques and the Ki exercises went pretty well. In fact, the techniques went so well I actually enjoyed myself and I felt the Ki exercises were performed the best we'd ever done them!

I came off the mat pleased with my efforts.

And then we got the feedback.

The sensei who was grading us said that the techniques had been ok but the Ki was disappointing.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel the world has crumbled around you and you're left perched in a big empty space with only a sad tumble weed for company? Just me then? :D
Seriously though, I've only felt that level of disappointment once before and that was when I failed Higher Chemistry (if I told you my dad was a chemistry teacher that might put the disappointment in context for you!).

I was utterly confused. I had felt, in myself, that the test hadn't gone THAT badly yet the grading sensei was telling me I barely deserved my green belt!  In addition to that, the feedback is not private. Its given to you in front of the whole club and so to say I was mortified is an understatement. A million things went through my head afterwards: I KNOW I had performed the best I could so if it was that bad then why am I even here? If it was that bad, how come I still passed? If I was that bad why didn't my sensei tell me? I trusted him! There I was thinking I was doing well but the rest of the club were laughing at me because silly Marie was trying to do 5th form ikkyo haha!

I managed to hold back the tears. I have to say that's one of the things I'm most proud of! Normally I would have broken down and made a bigger ass of myself but this time I kept breathing and stayed calm. I held my head up and, according to the rest of the world, shrugged it off. Sensei would never have put me forward if I wasn't ready. If I was to be skeptical I'd say that's because it's his reputation on the line if I fail. But, if that's even a factor it's negligible. Sensei puts us forward because he believes in us, wants us to do well and knows we can do it.

I'm not going to go into a long-winded rant about why I think we were judged so harshly by the grading sensei. All I know for sure is that I had to turn this negative experience into a positive. I decided I would take the feedback, no matter how negative, and work with it. Sensei Wilson often talks about his notebook and that he always wrote down his own sensei's important lessons. So I decided writing down what I've learned would be a good way forward for me since it allows me to reflect on the lesson and think about how to apply it in future. However, with the best will in the world I'm rubbish at remembering to do stuff like that so I decided to modernise it a bit and create a blog. That way, maybe other people could learn along with me or use it to reflect on their own experiences. I decided to give the blog a Ki focus since its Ki-aikido I'm learning and without the Ki you only have "aido"!

So finally you have the background to this blog. Rather than turning me away from aikido, the green belt grading made me stronger both inside and outside the dojo. It was one of those major decisions in my life - I either had to give it up as a lost cause and move on or I had to embrace it as a way of life. Thankfully sensei helped me move in the direction of the latter. Aikido is a part of me and, through that, every Tuesday I have fun, success, and hard work with the most wonderful people - my aikido family!

Life with a baby is a whole different ball game!

You may have guessed from my radio silence that our stunning baby boy arrived safe and well! And he did stun us... 5 weeks before his due date! I'm going to try and not be one of those people who can talk about nothing except their child. That's very difficult at the moment because he's all I focus on 24/7 so I'll try to get it out of my system now!

I've been trying to complete this blog post for 2 months now!  Nothing prepares you for your first baby.  All the stories, advice and warnings from friends and relatives do nothing to prepare you for reality.  Joseph demands my attention permanently even when he's sleeping! If he doesn't get enough sleep during the day then we end up with an evening like yesterday when we couldn't get Mr Crankypants to sleep until we took him out in the car at half past 11. He doesn't like to sleep anywhere except in someone's arms (or his car seat but only if the car's moving!) so typing blogs and other computer related activities is very difficult.  He knows how to go to sleep... he just refuses to do it!  I now have 4 minutes to publish this blog before he realises I'm not holding him and then kicks up merry hell!  But nobody can resist this wee chubby face and teeny hands... I'm loving every minute of being a mum:

Two months ago I decided to take Joseph to the Friday class to meet sensei and our aikido family.

While everyone (understandably if I do say so myself) oohed and ahhed over Joseph, my mum (who came with me since I'd only just started driving again) was keen to stay and watch a class to see what Michael and I have been talking about over the last few years. As I was answering her questions about all things aikido: who goes where in the line? How come sensei picks on that one guy? Who teaches sensei? Why aren't some of the white belts doing that exercise? How come only some people wear the "fancy black trousers"?... I found myself longing to tie on my hakama and join in the class again. In fact I really had to hold myself back from just kicking off my shoes and jumping onto the mat right there and then! I'm sure sensei wouldn't have minded... However a cesarean section is major surgery and I had to wait at least 8 weeks before exercising again.  But that didn't stop me trying out some of the Ki techniques on my mum while I was watching! As sensei said, its like sitting an addict in front of their addiction and telling them not to touch it.  But, with great effort, I held myself back - I wouldn't want to do myself an injury that would stop me from practising aikido and/or having more children!

What really amazed me was how far everyone had come.  I'd missed a grading so my fellow green-belts are different people and the people I'm used to working with, including my husband, have moved on.  The brown belts who will be grading for black in the not-too-distant-future demonstrated amazing randori (which delighted my mum as it showed exactly how effective aikido can be against an unstaged attack).

I couldn't wait to get back!  I've returned to the Tuesday class now and daddy's in charge of Joseph which not only gives me a break but lets father and son have quality time.  We're beginning to get into a routine these days so hopefully I'll be able to pick up this blog again as I find myself trying to remember sensei's teachings and then forgetting them the minute I get home!  I might invest in a notebook...

"Your spirit is your true shield" ~ O-Sensei

My pregnancy hormones are causing me to be terribly emotional at the moment (along with swollen feet, feeling icky in the mornings and being constantly knackered... but that's all normal!).  I've finally admitted that I can no longer go on the mat to practice aikido so I'm sitting on the side-lines for both classes now.  This is not out of choice - my hakama forced me to do it!  I can barely get it tied round my waist and, when I do, I get stuck in it!  It's sometimes necessary to avoid people's "sweat pools" on the mat but with the hakama pressing on my bladder... it's getting a bit risky for everyone involved!  As well as the hakama issue, I have never known exhaustion like this.  I know making a baby is hard work but nothing can prepare you for the exhaustion and I can't even describe it properly to warn anyone.  I had to spend the whole day on the couch on Saturday since we'd had a busy week and clearly my body can't cope with it anymore!

Anyway, as I've said before, not being on the mat doesn't mean that I can't still take part in lessons.  I've blogged about lessons that I have learned from watching the white belt students practice for their gradings and a few classes ago I very much enjoyed watching the other green belts pummeling each other for the best part of an hour.

One of my classmates is going through a bit of a tough time at the moment - I won't go into detail because that wouldn't be fair but I will detail Sensei's lesson about it and how it affects my own situation.

Sensei pointed out that when people get injured, whether on or off the mat, it would be dangerous to take part in class and so some students will still attend but sit out to watch (emphasising my view above that there's still learning to be done).  This is called "mitori geiko" or "watching practice".  Sensei noted that doing this shows positive character and resilience.  A strong spirit.  However, the true test of the strength of your spirit is when your heart is breaking and your mind is consumed by grief or sadness and yet you can still hold your head up and step onto the mat.  People deal with their problems in different ways but the aikido practitioners that I know seem to have this need to keep going and don't appear to think twice about it.

So that, of course, got me thinking!  Everyone has their troubles.  We might not know about them or how it's affecting that person but everyone has concerns and worries.  For me, aside from building a baby which comes with it's own worries and anxieties (see previous blogs), my mum's partner has recently been diagnosed with 2 forms of dementia which is truly testing the family.  The fact that he knows what's happening to him is hard enough and I can't imagine what he must be going through but the family are having to watch him deteriorate right in front of them.  Yes we can make sure he's sorted with meals and walking aids and yes we can sit and listen to him even though he's making absolutely no sense - that is what he needs and that's fine.  But then we have to go away and somehow get on with life.  This man who once gave me cokey-backs up the stairs, built sandcastles with me, made me jam roley-poley and custard after every. single. meal. he ever cooked, helped me pass my English exam when the Philip Larkin poems got too depressing for words... can barely get himself out of bed without help, can't walk 10 feet without needing a rest, is convinced the neighbours are out to get him and can barely string a logical sentence together.  Yes we can help him as much as we can but who helps the ones who are, in essence, left behind?  Or in this case, who helps the ones who need to keep going without leaving one man behind?

Because life does go on no matter what's happening.  The world still turns, the bed still needs made and the kettle isn't going to put itself on.  As sensei said, there's joy in life even though it won't seem like it when you're given some terrible news or going through a difficult time.  You might be left behind - but you're left behind with a life that has joy in it.  You might feel that you're leaving someone else behind - but just talking to that person will be enough to bring them joy.  

Positivity, resilience, determination: your spirit is your true shield.  I think true aikidoka recognise this (even if they don't realise it) and that's what brings them onto the mat even though your average person would prefer to close the door, turn off the lights and shut the curtains.  

As well as having something to focus on, an aikido class brings me joy.  A sense of achievement for myself when I finally grasp a technique, pride when my fellow practitioners achieve a new belt, belonging to a close family (that's different from my actual family), fun, compassion and dedication.  It makes you wonder... through the good times and the bad, why wouldn't you go on the mat?

The truth about gradings

With the next grading creeping ever closer, I thought I'd say a wee bit about them and what they mean (to me - other people may have had different experiences so feel free to comment!).  I'm not going to sit here and give you words of wisdom about how to pass a grading because, the truth is, there's no secret to that.  If you've practiced your techniques and Ki exercises then you shouldn't have a problem in passing to the next level.

Everyone should pass their grading.  Your sensei would not put you forward for a test if there was any possibility that you weren't good enough.  I have actually been to gradings where the student struggled through their tests.  Whether this was because their nerves took over to the extreme or because their sensei had misjudged their abilities, I don't know.  But I would hope that everyone involved had learned from that experience as no one should struggle through a grading.  My own view, which I've mentioned in a previous blog, is that I don't go for grading unless I'm absolutely sure of my own abilities at that level.  There have been times when sensei has been happy for me to go for grading but I have decided not to.  He has always believed in me and has accepted my decisions.  However, I've long been aware that I need believe in him!  If he thinks I'm ready then why am I resisting?  Nobody in my club has ever given me reason to doubt myself (with the exception of the green belt grading but I'll do a different post about that) so I don't know why I hesitate.  I tried to go for my green belt 6 months after the orange belt grading but something held me back.  This time, I made the decision as soon as I got my green belt that I'd be getting my blue belt in May.  Unfortunately a certain baby reversed that decision for me!  But Michael is still going for his and I'm really pleased about that.  Someone asked me if I felt cheated because it's not my fault I can't grade this time.  It technically is partly my fault (it takes 2 to tango!) but Michael is a good aikido practitioner (or aikidoka to give it the correct term) so why should I expect him to hold back?  That wouldn't be fair either.  So the whole point of this paragraph is that in order to go for your grading, trust your instincts.  If you don't feel ready, talk to sensei and if you don't want to go for it then don't.  On the other hand, if you feel ready and sensei hasn't suggested you go for your grading then, again, talk to him.  There's maybe something more that he needs to see from you before putting you forward and that's all part of the learning curve.  It's not an insult and it's not that he doesn't like you - quite the opposite!  He's making sure that when you get to black belt level, you are a black belt and not about to get knocked out during a bar fight on Saturday night (that's not the aikido way!).

So what happens in a grading?  It's not a case of ticking a box on a piece of paper and saying "yes sensei I can do that".  Oh no, it's not that easy!  You must demonstrate that you're able to do the techniques and Ki exercises suitable for your grade.  You might think that's a bit silly - if sensei knows you can do it then why do you need to be tested?  The same could be asked of the education system.  The teacher knows his/her students can do the work but, to formalise that and acknowledge their abilities, they need to be tested.

In a grading, the white belts always go first.  This does sound cruel - they're new to the experience, have no idea what to expect and yet we make them bumble through it first, alone!  But I think this is all part of the test and, despite being the lowest grade, a white belt grading isn't easy.  It isn't meant to be!  If you want your yellow belt badly enough then nothing will stop you going for it.  I remember being the biggest nervous wreck on the planet before my first grading.  However it was actually a nice nervousness because it was an experience I was keen to have - it was fear of the unknown that was giving me heart palpitations!  I remember being at class the night before my first grading and John (there were loads of Johns in our club so anonymity has been maintained!) told me that the room had lots of mirrors in it.  He said "you'll be fine Marie but whatever you do don't look in the effing mirrors!".  Cue nightmare about sensei strategically planting full length mirrors all over the mat so that I couldn't avoid looking in them!  The real experience was fine though - nobody was trying to trip me up with full-length mirrors and I was too busy concentrating on what I was doing to look into the wall mirrors.  My advice to white belts would be to breathe deeply and regularly before your name is called and then just go for it.  Allow yourself to show the other people in the room what you can do because you can do it and you deserve this moment on the mat.  Don't think about avoiding mistakes, think about your yellow belt.  And, if you can, steal a glance at sensei and you will see him standing or sitting with his virtual tail feathers on full display!

Obviously, the higher your grade the more difficult and numerous the techniques and Ki tests will be.  Again, compared with the education system, your highers (or whatever they're called these days!) were more difficult than the standard grades but your learning had also developed.  The same goes for Aikido.  The yellow belt, orange belt, green belt etc gradings should be no harder than the white belt grading if you've practiced and feel ready for it.  In fact they'll be less complicated because at least you'll know what's happening!

Gradings always stir up a mix of emotions for me.  Eagerness to show what I can do so that I can move onto the next level, anxiousness about making sensei proud, doubt about whether I should have gone for this after all and excitement because it's a celebration of people's achievements.  I don't have a miracle cure for nerves.  A bit of anxiousness is good to get the adrenaline pumping but it's not so good if it's making you feel sick and causing mind blocks!  A grading is not about anyone trying to catch you out and making you fail.  A grading is about you showing your sensei and fellow students what you can do and that you're ready for your next belt.  That little bit of extra pressure on you during the grading is making you stronger.  I've always enjoyed the celebratory atmosphere once a grading is finished.  There's a sense of relief, sure, but it's mainly about congratulations and celebrations (unintended Cliff Richard quote!) and that comes from everyone, even those who didn't grade.  Remember, congratulations should also be afforded to your sensei (because you wouldn't be there otherwise), any Dan Grades who helped you and the other students that you practiced with.  Without those people, you wouldn't be at the level you're at now.

And so, as you've read, there's no big secret about how to pass a grading.  If you've put in as much effort and practice as you can, sensei will respect that and will put you forward for the test when you're ready.  This is where the education system is nothing like aikido gradings - you never truly know if you've passed an exam until you get the results a few months later.  If you're in a grading with sensei's blessing, I'd suggest you're already at the next level and you just have to demonstrate it.  No sweat! 

Ki and pregnancy

My ramblings about Ki must sound very naive and raw.  I'm not too worried about that though because I'm still at the very start of the Ki learning curve and I know I have a long way to go.

I'm beginning to focus on the upcoming event in my life that is going to change everything.  There is a certain amount of fear associated with childbirth and, from my own experience and from speaking to other pregnant women, the fear stems from images in films or TV programmes where the woman is typically lying on her back screaming blue murder, surrounded by machines and medical staff, pushing for all she's worth.  The other strange phenomena I've noticed is that other women play a big part in the fear.  With the exception of a few women, those who find out I'm pregnant immediately clamber over themselves to tell me how bad it is and that their experience was one of pain and complication.  Why do women do that to each other? Where's the support and encouragement? Where's the joy and excitement at the wonderful thing that's happening?

And how can every birth be that bad?  How has the human race survived if childbirth is so horrific?  No man has ever told me a bad story about the birth of their child.  I hear you ask yourself "what would a man know anyway?" but I personally think he'd know quite a lot.  Yes it's from a different perspective but if he was present at the birth then surely he'll have gone through some amount of stress and mental torture as he watched his partner screaming through the most pain she's ever experienced?  Men's stories of childbirth are ones of awe and pride.  No it didn't look like a walk in the park for his partner but look at what all that resulted in... He's holding a beautiful baby in his arms because of her!  

I've always kept the premise at the back of my mind that childbirth is natural and the survival of the species is dependent on it.  The female body is built to bring life into the world - that's what it does!  Therefore I strongly believe that childbirth can't be that bad!  I have to admit though that my resolve does waver regularly!  Is my belief about childbirth so wrong when everytime I turn round someone has a negative anecdote to tell?  A natural part of existence versus the stories that other women (and films) tell me... The two just don't add up!  

As well as the worry that my childbirth beliefs don't match reality, Michael's fear of blood was also causing us both to be anxious about how we were going to get this baby into the world.  Whenever I mention his haemophobia to other women, the typical sarcastic response is "oh yeh well he's going to be really useful isn't he?" coupled with a sharp intake of breath and shake of the head.  Over the last few months, this had me in a bit of a state.  In all honesty, I don't have any doubt about my own abilities to give birth but that doesn't stop the worry that I'm totally inexperienced and my husband will be a crumpled wreck in the corner!  We made this baby, we will be responsible for it, we are partners in this and it's the most natural thing in the world - it doesn't make sense to me that I should be scared of it and that Michael shouldn't be a fundamental part of bringing his child into the world.

So what is the solution to worry and fear?  You may not be surprised to read that I have turned to Ki.

When I was 20 weeks pregnant I started a yoga class on a Saturday morning to help make up for the stretching that I was missing from the Friday aikido class.  It was here that I learned the importance of breathing to help relaxation during labour.  Yoga breathing and Ki breathing are actually very similar with slight differences where the Yoga class I attend has developed the breathing specifically for pregnancy and birth.  

There's something to be said about the simplicity of relaxation through breathing.  It's difficult at first because your mind is constantly turning and, in this world where everything moves so quickly at the touch of a button, it's not automatic for us to empty our minds.  This takes practice (as with everything else in aikido!) and will become natural eventually so that if you feel yourself getting tense and stressed you can check your breathing to bring your emotions back to normal levels.

Relaxation through deep and regular breathing prevents the body from producing the hormone that causes a flight, fight or freeze response.  A birthing woman can't run away from giving birth or fight with it and so the body freezes which causes all the pain and complication.  It's a similar situation when being faced with an attack.  If you've got a big masked man running at you with a knife, your body will revert to the fight/flight/freeze reaction.  Keeping one-point, relaxing completely, keeping weight underside and extending Ki (the Ki principles) allows you to deal with the attack calmly, safely and positively.  The flight/fight/freeze response shouldn't even come into it. I have been practising relaxation through ki breathing at home using the Ki Principles which, combined with the yoga adaptations, seems to be helping to lessen my anxieties.  The more I practise the easier (I hope) it will be to relax when I'm in labour.  We'll see!

You can learn about ki breathing on the web page below but the best way to learn is to attend a class:
http://ki-aikido.net/KASHIWAYA/Excerpts.html

verbal aikido

Once of the most amusing experiences I have had in the dojo was at the end of a class a while back. There was a new manager in the sports club and it seemed like he wanted to be running a tight ship.  Sensei often runs his classes late - it's a mutual unspoken understanding between us and the staff.  We put the mats out and then put them away, this saves the staff a lot of bother and so they leave us to get on with it.  In all fairness; who wants to challenge Sensei on the subject of time keeping when he's just thrown a few ukes across the mat or into over-the-tops?  However, one evening the new manager, who hadn't taken the trouble to learn of the unspoken agreement between his staff and their customers, stalked into the dojo when class finished and trampled right over the top of the mats with the clear intention of giving Sensei a piece of his mind.  Aside from his total lack of respect for the dojo, he ignored everyone he passed, making a beeline for Sensei.  When the manager was half way up the mat, Sensei turned round and it was as if the wind was totally taken out of the manager!  The closer to Sensei he got, the slower he became.  He smiled sheepishly and dumbly confirmed to Sensei that we had over-run our class.  Sensei spoke softly in reply so I don't know what he said but, for all the drama that the manager had created on entering the dojo, nobody noticed him leave.

The point of my story is that somehow Sensei defused the situation before it became a conflict.  Aikido is not about fighting - it's about blending with your attacker, de-stabalising them and neutralising the attack.  Sensei wasn't in a dojo-controlled situation, for example 1st form shionage or 3rd form ikkyo, he was in a real-life situation requiring him to use his aiki so that the conflict didn't start at all.  The manager's intended attack was verbal and, like many conflict situations you might experience on a daily basis, Sensei's defence could have been to throw a verbal punch in retaliation and an argument would have ensued breaking down the working relationships that he had worked so hard to build with the rest of the staff.  Instead, he used his Ki and body language to disarm the manager before he had a chance to attack and then, I'm assuming, used words to blend and neutralise.

I was thinking about this the other day in a meeting at work.  We all have that one colleague (some of us maybe have more than one) who are never truly happy and always seem to want to start an argument.  For me, it's a member of my team who is, by far, the most pessimistic person I've ever met.  My challenge is when we're in meetings and I have a suggestion or an idea which she always, without fail, counteracts with a negative comment or story.  I leave the meeting feeling demotivated - me being in that meeting is a total waste of time because I can't put anything useful forward.  However, a couple of meetings ago I fought back.  My colleague aggressively questioned something I had put in the  minutes of the previous meeting and I verbally punched her back which resulted in an argument in front of the entire room.  This time, I left the meeting feeling shaken and exhausted - like I'd actually just done an hour of physical exercise!  As always, when I feel something hasn't gone particularly well, I reflected on what I could have done better.  I'm not satisfied with just sitting back and letting this person sap the spirit out of me, nor am I satisfied at getting into a fight with her.  So what could I do instead?

In a previous job, my line manager was a bully and regularly put me down or made fun of me... or was just down right nasty.  It was during that time that I read a quote by O-Sensei along the lines of "the wise win before the fight while the ignorant fight to win".  My way of dealing with her was imagining the first poke in the Jo Kata and making contact with her so that she flew backwards out the office window.  The more I imagined doing this, the further out the window she went!  Interestingly in reality, the more I did this in my mind, the less she spoke to me and the more peace I got!  Especially if I imagined it the minute she walked in the room.  My current "nemsis" is not a bully and is in fact a nice person overall - she's just one of these very unhappy people that can't see the good in anything.

I decided the next time we were in a meeting, instead of imagining an attack, I would try to disarm her first therefore negating my need for the imaginary Jo!  And so in the following meetings, I smiled at her and nodded my head encouragingly when she spoke.  If she belittled me or pushed my ideas aside, I thanked her for her opinions and asked if she had an alternative solution.  I by-passed anything that I could have taken offence to and essentially just ignored her negativity.  If I got stuck, I asked for other people's thoughts and that would get the conversation going again.

I'm not going to lie, it's hard work!  And I still haven't got it 100% right as it's all too tempting to bite back or withdraw into myself or, even worse, get up and walk out of the meeting because I just can't be bothered anymore.  If I did any of that during class, Sensei would have something to say and I'd be ashamed of myself!

That's not to say that I haven't had the same feelings on the mat.  A while ago (I may still have been a yellow belt at the time) I was at a different dojo (within the same aikido club of course) with a different Sensei taking the class.  As there were no gradings coming up we were having a bit of "fun" with eleventh form.  Eleventh form just frazzles my brain and normally I do have fun with it because I don't need to know it for an upcoming grading (yet) but this particular exercise we were to practice was just so confusing!  The more I tried to do it, the more confused I got and the more frustrated I became which meant that anybody working with me was having to stop and explain what I was supposed to be doing.  While I always appreciate the help, it was just getting me more stressed out as I knew I was holding the rest of them back.  At one point I just wanted to sit down and cry! It happened again when we were practicing grading techniques for our green belts.  I knew what to do but it just wasn't coming together that night and it took a lot of effort for me not to fold my arms and announce "I can't do this, I'm not grading anymore".  I have no idea what Sensei would have done!  But out of respect for him, my fellow practitioners and myself, i have never allowed myself to be beaten by my own frustration and I would NEVER walk out of a class.  So why should a meeting at work be any different?

During my endeavours to win before these little fights with my colleague even started, I came across this website: http://www.verbal-aikido.com/.  For me, it makes a lot of sense.  I work in HR so you can imagine that my meetings with my pessimistic colleague is only the start.  Sometimes, staff can get very angry at something and want someone to blame.  Or they want to vent their frustrations on an imaginary punch-bag.  Very often they end up in the HR office either to verbally attack me or as a result of one colleague verbally attacking another.  It's actually quite hard to have an "inner smile" without actually smiling on the outside!  When someone is in the middle of ranting about how rubbish the conditions of paternity leave are, it doesn't help when I start smiling at them!  Just like actual Aikido, verbal aikido is going to take some practice!