Poker face (and non-organic bananas)

There are people who aren't bothered about what other people think. I believe they still care about those other people... just not what they think. These people can make choices and be confident they've made the right one. I'm not one of these people! I worry about what others think which has an effect on my confidence and leaves me a tad vulnerable to criticism.

I have found myself thinking about this recently. Over the past couple of weeks Michael has had to bring Joseph to the dojo and they've sat at the side of the mat. This is because I breastfeed and Joseph is suddenly refusing to take the bottle from Michael when I'm not around. He just screams till I come home (Joseph not Michael... ok maybe Michael's head is also screaming!) But we think that having a baby scream for three and a half hours at home is more cruel than having him quiet and happy with daddy at the side of the mat even that late at night when he should be asleep!

Only, I worry that people think we're being bad parents. You don't see people coming to the gym with their 5 month old baby in tow! Before having Joseph, I'd have been one of those people thinking 'hmmm, that's a bit strange... bringing your baby out at 8pm!' I'd like to think that I wouldn't have gone as far as judging them. But people do judge and my biggest worry is that some busy-body will take it even further and call social services!

It's a bit unfair of me to call them a busy-body I suppose. We all have a duty to report it if we suspect a child is being abused or mistreated. But hopefully they'd see that Joseph isn't short of people looking out for him. It's the love of his parents that has Joseph out on a Tuesday night in the first place! And there's a whole aikido family giving him love and protection.

Unfortunately I do worry about what people think despite trying not to! It's particularly difficult since becoming a parent. Just today I was reading an article about the physical dangers of front facing baby carriers to the point that the author suggested they should all be burned. Then in the same sitting I read another article that reported there's no scientific evidence to show that front facing carriers are dangerous for your baby. Same with organic food. There's such a lot of scaremongering about the "dangers" of pesticide residue but there's a largely unreported argument that organic food is potentially more dangerous because the residue of the chemicals used to deter pests have not been as rigorously tested as the pesticides.

What's a parent to do? What's a human to do?! Everything contradicts everything and people have to make their own choices so, whatever I decide, someone is going to disagree and be judgmental. So I'm doomed to always worry about what people think!

In situations like this I try to find the answer through what I've learned in aikido. I'm a bit stumped with this one mainly because I know the solution without aikido: stop worrying about what people think! But that's easier said than done.

I recall having similar worries as a white belt when sensei would have us do a randori exercise. I didn't like randori back then. I didn't like being in the centre of a circle with everyone watching me. I thought they were laughing at me for getting mixed up or they were judging my rubbish ukemis. I sometimes wonder if sensei can read my thoughts because during one lesson he split the class into a number of small groups and spent time with my group going through a few 10th form exercises in a circle. He taught us the importance of positive attitude and showing confidence in the face of our attacker even if we were quivering underneath. Never let your opponent see doubt, never falter. Grimacing, tutting, stamping a foot... all that shows your opponent you got it wrong and there's a weakness they can use against you. If you get it wrong, so what? Move onto the next uke. (Later in my aikido experience, this lesson developed into training ourselves to "just do something" no matter if its wrong.)

I have to admit, I don't have a poker face! When I'm practicing a technique my partner can ALWAYS tell what's going on; if I'm pleased with myself, frustrated, confused or if I've started with the wrong foot! It's very hard not to stop half way through, grumble quietly, apologise and start again. Sensei is trying to teach me to just keep going and finish - even if I've done something completely different to what I'm supposed to. Anyway, I've got side tracked...

Now I look forward to randori! Because I've trained myself not to care what the others think. If I get it wrong it's ok, I figure out (or am told) what was wrong and I try again. That might not be so easy with a baby... life is so fragile - sometimes getting it wrong can be catastrophic! But if there was a difinitive guide to parenting, I wouldn't be writing this post. Most of the time you have to  weigh up the options and make the best choice for your family. I know I won't get it right every time but that's maybe where the aikido lesson comes in. If I have positivity and confidence in myself then any mistakes I do make I can learn from them and hopefully correct myself along the way. Not showing doubt and a lack of confidence, which is difficult for me, will not only help to prevent people judging and critising but it will also pave the way for Joseph to have total faith in his mummy making him feel more secure.

So when you see me out way past bedtime with Joseph in a front facing carrier, feeding him non-organic banana, don't judge me. I've done my research and made my decision. I just wish I didn't worry about what you think of it!!

Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin

Questions questions!

Following my post "life with a baby is a whole different ball game" a number of people who (very kindly) read my blog but don't pracrice aikido (why not?) Have asked "what are the answers to your mum's questions?" So, for those who haven't spoken to me or don't know me personally, here are the answers!

1. Who goes where in the line?
Mum was talking about lining out at the start and end of class when we bow to the Ki sign and Sensei. If you're facing the Ki sign, the line starts with the lowest grade at the left and moves up the grades to blue belt at the right. Brown belts make a line in front, then Dan grades (black belts) and then finally Sensei. If you have more than one person of the same grade (e.g 3 green belts), out of respect the person with the most experience goes furthest to the right. It sounds complicated but it isn't really. When you first start you'll be furthest to the left since you're the newest person. You then just keep moving to the right as new people join and you work through your grades. That's why white belts are so important. Every new white belt pushes the rest of us along the line and encourages us to keep improving.

2. How come sensei picks on that one guy?
Mum was talking about Uke here. Sensei used him to demonstrate techniques all through that particular class and there's nothing more impressive than Sensei and Uke doing kokinage. It's considered an honour to be Sensei's uke. It means he trusts you with his own safety and that of the class. It means he knows you'll follow the Ki principles and that the technique will be demonstrated accurately.

3. Who teaches sensei?
We do! Not in the same way that he teaches us but you'll find an earlier post on this blog that tries to explain how I was learning from white belt students even though I was in a teaching position. People learn in different ways, they interpret instructions in different ways and ask different questions so that Sensei always has to be on top of his game.

4. Why aren't some of the white belts doing that exercise?
I have explained in a previous post that your white belt is the most important belt you have. You'll have it forever (since all new Gis come with a white belt so you don't need to pass it down to anyone) and you learn the aikido basics which will be developed through all the grades so it's important to get a good basic understanding of the techniques and Ki exercises at this level. As people learn and develop at different paces  (and people start at different times) so you may find that, at all levels, some students will be doing slightly different things. On that occasion when my mum asked the question, students were practicing Kokyunage focusing on throwing partner outwards by using Ki. Some beginners have not yet been taught ukemis and so they have to continue to practice roll-to-stand. Others are new to ukemis and so nage has to be extra careful. Ki can be very powerful even if you don't realise you're using it! In fact, its when you don't realise how powerful it is that accidents can happen.

5. How come only some people wear the "fancy black trousers"?
With this question my mum was referring to the hakama. All the ladies wear them as, back in the old days, the Gi was peoples' pyjamas so its not very lady-like to be running around in nightwear! This may seem a bit old fashioned and, it could be argued, sexist. But its the rule. In addition to the ladies, all Dan grades wear hakama along with the black belt.

So I hope that clears up some intrigue. If you have any other questions just pop them in a comment and I'll do my best to answer!

A guide to "getting it wrong"

In one of the Star Wars films Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try" but when it comes to aikido you'll seldom get it right first time! So it's important to try.

Just because aikido lessons can look calm and focused, it doesn't make it easy. I hardly ever get it right first time. Often Sensei will demonstrate something then tell us to go do it. I do try to copy and it looked straight forward but actually doing it is a different matter.

I used to beat myself up about that. I'd go home and whine to Michael "how come everyone else can do it and I'm rubbish?" But I, of all people, should understand that we all have different learning styles. I'm a reflector which means I'll yo yo between doing and analysing so it takes me a bit longer to work things out. Take a randori for example. Sensei demonstrates what we've to do and then the circle is open for students to do it in turn. Usually (as per etiquette) the highest grade student goes first and we work our way down the grades. This is perfect because it means I can watch and analyse it before its my turn. Sometimes that works and I do get it right, other times it turns into a muddle of arms and legs. But one thing Sensei has always said is "it doesn't matter if you get it wrong, just do something". This all comes down to confidence and attitude. If you're being attacked by 4 guys you can't just hold up your hand and say "hang on a minute till I think... what's 10th form again? Ok GO!"

Every now and again I get stuck. Take 6th form tenchinage. That's a scary technique and it's difficult to relax and not hold back. Last night I just couldn't get myself in the right position to get the technique to work. I think Dan had to use every ounce of patience he could muster! Yet when I got home and tried it on michael it worked perfectly first time (and believe me, he doesn't let me off lightly!). Just goes to show you what relaxation and confidence can do! And a little bit of competitiveness...

And so, from my experience, here is my guide to "getting it wrong":

- don't beat yourself up. If you've tried to follow the instructions and you haven't been disrespectful then at least you made a go of it. Always give 100% and nobody will ask anymore of you. You'll get it eventually and then something else will come along.
- "it doesn't matter if you get it wrong, just do something". If you're being attacked you need to protect yourself so do something! This is, in fact, much easier said than done!
- you're allowed to ask questions. Be respectful about it though. The highest grade in your group does the teaching so ask them for their guidance. If you don't think it's right keep your mouth shut for now and ask Sensei quietly later on. If you're the highest grade and you don't know the answer, ask Sensei.
- never chastise someone else for getting it wrong. Everyone is trying their best so be patient. One day the tables will be turned.
- you will have at least one nemesis. For me it's nikkyo (and at the moment 6th form tenchinage). Don't get worked up. See my first point - at least you're trying.

So, in short, the great Yoda obviously did not practice aikido because it's important to try even if you don't get it first time. I prefer the quote by O-sensei: Failure is the key to success. Every mistake teaches us something.

Breaking through the pain barrier

Aikido is known as "the way of peace" but just because it's designed to be less aggressive that doesn't make it easy and ineffective. Aikido is a difficult martial art to master and even Sensei will tell you that he still has a lot to learn.  Personally I think it's good that you work to get better, you don't work to be perfect. It means aikido will be useful but never boring. It means your martial art doesn't end at black belt. It means that when you do achieve a pass at grading you know you've worked damn hard to get there. 

For me, my first pain barrier was the roll-to-stand break fall. My leg muscles didn't know what had hit them and I fell out of bed the next morning! But, by comparison, that pain barrier was easy to get over. The ukemis were next. Constantly putting pressure on certain parts of your back will feel like the muscles are ripping and your bones have cracked. It's unlikely they're ripping and cracking - especially if you have been following instructions - but it does take quite a bit of practice. I remember, very early on, spending the best part of a single lesson with Dan just doing ukemi after ukemi after ukemi. Eventually I got the hang of it but it took a while. I'm still not great at over-the-tops or "splats" as I call them. I need to relax more which is the opposite of what my brain is telling my body!

From time to time I'd have a particularly tough day at work or I'd be sitting in front of the TV and think "I REALLY cannot be bothered going to class" and I would drag myself over to the dojo. Believe it or not, when you're absolutely knackered its the best time to go to class. Because you're tired, your body is more relaxed and your weight is more underside so the techniques actually work better! So you end up leaving class more energetic and ready to go again! I got over the phase of dragging my heels into class because I thoroughly enjoy it so it's never a chore. However, these days I've never known exhaustion like it. My eyes ache I'm so tired.  I'm guessing this is my life from now on though since Joseph will only get more energetic so my body is having to go through the phase all over again but on an advanced level! The difference is that I have a greater determination - I've come too far and learned too much to let a little bit of tiredness take over.

More recently (since returning from "maternity leave") it's been weapons and kneeling techniques that are challenging me. Last week, each green belt did in excess of 300 bokkan cuts in half an hour. That's a lot! I said to Uke that I'd be rubbish in a real battle as I was shattered. His response being "the harder you work the more your body will deal with it". Internally I sighed a huge sigh. He's right - I'd pushed past the ukemi pain barrier and I'm getting there with the tiredness (again), this is just one more barrier to overcome.  By the end of this weapons session my shoulder and neck muscles were so sore that they could barely support my head. But we still had over half an hour of class left so I soon forgot about it! Until the next day when every muscle above my waist was screaming at me. But then I know that I've worked really hard so actually the day-after-pain (and incidentally day-after-day-after-pain which is even worse) is a good sign!

The kneeling exercises are new. I know the techniques we're expected to do because I practiced standing with Michael and Chip (name changed for annonimty) but kneeling is completely different! For one, the hakama totally gets in the way - one foot gets stuck up the other leg or both feet get wrapped in the material! So I need to learn to keep my balance whilst having no feet! Secondly, even if the hakama stays where it's supposed to, the techniques themselves become different because you have to overcome the disadvantage of being lower down than your opponent. And lastly, oh my god the ankles hurt big time! I didn't even notice it during class. It was the next morning when I woke up and found that I couldn't feel my feet! Again, just like the ukemis and (hopefully) weapons practice, this pain barrier will be overcome.

Have you ever seen the film "Run Fat Boy Run"? It's exactly like running through an imaginary wall - break through that pain barrier and you can be left in peace to practice the technique and get it to the standard you need for grading. Until then, I'll wake up on Tuesday mornings and think "I REALLY cannot be bothered going to class" then go, enjoy myself, break past that barrier, feel like I can take on the whole world, collapse into bed and then congratulate myself the next day because I can barely move. I love aikido!

Ki outside the dojo

When i was preparing for the birth of my baby, I had a lot of time to think about Ki and I wrote my post "Pregnancy and Ki".  After writing that post, I continued to practise my breathing exercises and tried to focus on extending Ki while I was still doing the Tuesday class.  

Unfortunately, I had to stop going on the mat on Tuesdays as well because my tummy was too big to tie my hakama round it!  If I could have gone on the mat without it I would have but I feel the hakama is as much a part of me as my belt - even more so because the belt changes but the hakama doesn't.  For me, the 7 folds in the hakama serves to remind me about courage, honesty, loyalty, honour, justice, humanity and courtesy and, without it, I would feel a bit lost.  There's an argument that its just a bit of material and that women should not wear their hakama until they get their black belts, same as the men.  But until sensei tells me otherwise, I'll wear it!  I feel the hakama is more than a bit of material... it's more than an achievement.  My hakama is me.  And I'm not going to apologise for being cheesy!!

Anyway, I have strayed off the point of this blog post.

I was sitting in a meeting at work (before Joseph decided to be born early) when a man came into the room (one from outside the organisation whom I'd never met before) and he had everyone's attention the minute he stepped through the door.  There didn't appear to be an obvious reason for this - he wasn't loud and obnoxious or particularly handsome (not as handsome as my husband anyway ;) and he wore just a plain business suit so nothing that would particularly draw the eye.  And yet there was something about him.  He was a force in the room but not unpleasant or agressive. We discussed a lot of things about business in that meeting and, while there were disagreements, there was never an argument.  His attitude and behaviour were remarkable.

What was it about this stranger?

I decided the only explanation is that some people naturally extend Ki without knowing it.  I remember sensei mentioning this a while ago. Some people recognise it and work with it very easily while others have to search for it and practise.  I think I'm the latter!  I wish I had had time to speak to the guy after the meeting but business waits for no one and we all had to move on. I have no idea whether or not he was aware of his effect on people... if he purposely used it to his advantage.

Ive blogged before about the opposite type of person - one who saps your energy and sucks all the happiness out of the atmosphere. Or worse, bullies... people who get a kick out of making others miserable. I truly believe Ki can be used at any time (not just in techniques) and that it SHOULD be used to make life happier and more peaceful. It can be channelled through attitude, behaviour, actions and words but, unless you're lucky like that guy, it will need to be practiced!

In case you're interested, I'll finish my birth story as proof that using your Ki can make a difference:

After a while of practising my breathing exercises every day, I began to notice that I would go into a bit of, what I can only describe as, "a dwam". It sounds ridiculous but I was aware of my surroundings while being totally relaxed and at the same time I was tuning in with my baby and our energies were intertwining. I get a lighter version of that feeling when I first go on the mat and I'll kneel for about 5-10 seconds first before bowing.  Like letting go of the world and focussing on the here and now.  When the time came for Joseph to be born it was nothing like I'd imagined!  Because of my high blood pressure I had to have an emergency cesarean section.  I tell you, I have NEVER been so afraid as I was when I was on the operating table.  It's not comfortable and there are a gazillion lights and faces swimming in and out of your vision.  I was shaking so much I felt I was about to fall off the table.  Something had to be done... for my mental safety and the physical safety of my baby. So I stopped trying to focus on the lights and the people.  I started doing my breathing exercises and imagined my Ki being a physical force expanding from me and protecting me like a shield.  In my bubble I went to what I had recently discovered to be my husband's "happy place".  I pictured me, him and our baby on a beach up north - blue sky, big sunshine and the sound of the waves.  My body stopped shaking immediately. The surgeon even asked "are you doing that mindfulness stuff?"  I just nodded - I didn't want to come back into the room and it would take too long to explain. "Ki" I said but he probably thought I was saying "key"!  He commented on how he'd never seen it work so well.  I kid you not, the shaking stopped immediately and I was as calm as ever.  Next thing I knew, I was coming round from the anaesthetic and found out I have a son!

Peace does not mean no more conflict among humanity. Conflict is bound to happen, so in order to keep peace in spite of conflict, the only realistic method is the spirit of dialogue, respecting the other side and understanding their viewpoint. We need to try to solve problems in the spirit of brotherhood and sisterhood, in a spirit of reconciliation and compromise.— The Dalai Lama
Your spirit is your true shield— Morihei Ueshiba

The infamous green belt grading

I have mentioned my green belt grading in a few posts and promised that I would go into it in a bit more detail.  Before I start, I'd like to point out that this post means no disrespect to anyone and is not meant to critisise those who were involved.  I have a lot of respect for any sensei or fellow student who teaches and advises.  Indeed, this event taught me a lot about myself and what I want to gain from practicing aikido so I'm actually very grateful for the experience.

I've always stuck by my own rule that if I don't feel ready for a grading then I don't put myself forward for it. I want to be the best I can be at each level before moving to the next. I don't ever want to be one of those people who get their black belt just for the sake of being able to say to people "I'm a black belt". Yes its an amazing achievement and one to be celebrated, but its only worth something if you've earned it. For my green belt I'd have quite happily gone another 6 months before grading but I decided to push myself. Its one thing not going for a grading because you're not ready... an entirely different thing not going just because you're scared.

So I worked hard. Probably harder than the work I put into my masters dissertation.  But the day before the grading I genuinely felt I couldn't be any better at that level. It was by no means perfect but you'll never be perfect at aikido! And so I went to bed with the usual pre-grading jitters but satisfied that I was ready for my green belt. I knew I was ready, sensei knew it and my fellow students knew it.

On the day itself I wasn't as nervous as I've been before.  My Ki breathing was more effective even if I didn't understand it. Michael and I got through the grading with Chip fairly unscathed. There were no major errors in the techniques and the Ki exercises went pretty well. In fact, the techniques went so well I actually enjoyed myself and I felt the Ki exercises were performed the best we'd ever done them!

I came off the mat pleased with my efforts.

And then we got the feedback.

The sensei who was grading us said that the techniques had been ok but the Ki was disappointing.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel the world has crumbled around you and you're left perched in a big empty space with only a sad tumble weed for company? Just me then? :D
Seriously though, I've only felt that level of disappointment once before and that was when I failed Higher Chemistry (if I told you my dad was a chemistry teacher that might put the disappointment in context for you!).

I was utterly confused. I had felt, in myself, that the test hadn't gone THAT badly yet the grading sensei was telling me I barely deserved my green belt!  In addition to that, the feedback is not private. Its given to you in front of the whole club and so to say I was mortified is an understatement. A million things went through my head afterwards: I KNOW I had performed the best I could so if it was that bad then why am I even here? If it was that bad, how come I still passed? If I was that bad why didn't my sensei tell me? I trusted him! There I was thinking I was doing well but the rest of the club were laughing at me because silly Marie was trying to do 5th form ikkyo haha!

I managed to hold back the tears. I have to say that's one of the things I'm most proud of! Normally I would have broken down and made a bigger ass of myself but this time I kept breathing and stayed calm. I held my head up and, according to the rest of the world, shrugged it off. Sensei would never have put me forward if I wasn't ready. If I was to be skeptical I'd say that's because it's his reputation on the line if I fail. But, if that's even a factor it's negligible. Sensei puts us forward because he believes in us, wants us to do well and knows we can do it.

I'm not going to go into a long-winded rant about why I think we were judged so harshly by the grading sensei. All I know for sure is that I had to turn this negative experience into a positive. I decided I would take the feedback, no matter how negative, and work with it. Sensei Wilson often talks about his notebook and that he always wrote down his own sensei's important lessons. So I decided writing down what I've learned would be a good way forward for me since it allows me to reflect on the lesson and think about how to apply it in future. However, with the best will in the world I'm rubbish at remembering to do stuff like that so I decided to modernise it a bit and create a blog. That way, maybe other people could learn along with me or use it to reflect on their own experiences. I decided to give the blog a Ki focus since its Ki-aikido I'm learning and without the Ki you only have "aido"!

So finally you have the background to this blog. Rather than turning me away from aikido, the green belt grading made me stronger both inside and outside the dojo. It was one of those major decisions in my life - I either had to give it up as a lost cause and move on or I had to embrace it as a way of life. Thankfully sensei helped me move in the direction of the latter. Aikido is a part of me and, through that, every Tuesday I have fun, success, and hard work with the most wonderful people - my aikido family!

Life with a baby is a whole different ball game!

You may have guessed from my radio silence that our stunning baby boy arrived safe and well! And he did stun us... 5 weeks before his due date! I'm going to try and not be one of those people who can talk about nothing except their child. That's very difficult at the moment because he's all I focus on 24/7 so I'll try to get it out of my system now!

I've been trying to complete this blog post for 2 months now!  Nothing prepares you for your first baby.  All the stories, advice and warnings from friends and relatives do nothing to prepare you for reality.  Joseph demands my attention permanently even when he's sleeping! If he doesn't get enough sleep during the day then we end up with an evening like yesterday when we couldn't get Mr Crankypants to sleep until we took him out in the car at half past 11. He doesn't like to sleep anywhere except in someone's arms (or his car seat but only if the car's moving!) so typing blogs and other computer related activities is very difficult.  He knows how to go to sleep... he just refuses to do it!  I now have 4 minutes to publish this blog before he realises I'm not holding him and then kicks up merry hell!  But nobody can resist this wee chubby face and teeny hands... I'm loving every minute of being a mum:

Two months ago I decided to take Joseph to the Friday class to meet sensei and our aikido family.

While everyone (understandably if I do say so myself) oohed and ahhed over Joseph, my mum (who came with me since I'd only just started driving again) was keen to stay and watch a class to see what Michael and I have been talking about over the last few years. As I was answering her questions about all things aikido: who goes where in the line? How come sensei picks on that one guy? Who teaches sensei? Why aren't some of the white belts doing that exercise? How come only some people wear the "fancy black trousers"?... I found myself longing to tie on my hakama and join in the class again. In fact I really had to hold myself back from just kicking off my shoes and jumping onto the mat right there and then! I'm sure sensei wouldn't have minded... However a cesarean section is major surgery and I had to wait at least 8 weeks before exercising again.  But that didn't stop me trying out some of the Ki techniques on my mum while I was watching! As sensei said, its like sitting an addict in front of their addiction and telling them not to touch it.  But, with great effort, I held myself back - I wouldn't want to do myself an injury that would stop me from practising aikido and/or having more children!

What really amazed me was how far everyone had come.  I'd missed a grading so my fellow green-belts are different people and the people I'm used to working with, including my husband, have moved on.  The brown belts who will be grading for black in the not-too-distant-future demonstrated amazing randori (which delighted my mum as it showed exactly how effective aikido can be against an unstaged attack).

I couldn't wait to get back!  I've returned to the Tuesday class now and daddy's in charge of Joseph which not only gives me a break but lets father and son have quality time.  We're beginning to get into a routine these days so hopefully I'll be able to pick up this blog again as I find myself trying to remember sensei's teachings and then forgetting them the minute I get home!  I might invest in a notebook...