Boob!

Some people may find the title of this post embarrassing or even offensive and I did hesitate to use it... but I do have a reason for it:

A couple of nights ago (and by "night" I mean 2am) Joseph discovered the "buh" sound. As this was a new discovery he repeated it for ages as he tried to make other sounds with it. Suddenly out of nowhere he shouts "boooob"! And because he got a reaction from me (uncontrolled giggling) he repeated it continously until he finally tired himself out at 3am!

And, of course, since I wasn't sleeping I had time to think! Way back when I first started aikido I was sensei's only adult female student. This didn't pose a problem for sensei or Dan or the more experienced aikidoka. But I noticed other students would hold back when attacking. Or even avoid me when we were told to pair up. I never let that get to me though so this post isn't a complaint. It's more about men having to work with women in the dojo and my experiences of this.

If you're a man:
While respecting the fact that the ladies have breasts, you will at some point accidentally brush a boob. Or hit it! The chances are she won't have noticed but if she does then it's manners to apologise. Don't try to pretend it never happened, that's even more disrespectful. You can even have a laugh about it but whatever you do do not announce that she "should have got them out the way"! While she possibly didn't move fast enough to avoid your slight of the hand, what if the roles were reversed? What if she accidentally hit you where it hurts? "You should have got it out the way" doesn't really apply does it?

If you're a woman:
Don't worry! I've been doing aikido for 4 years and my boobs have been brushed only a handful of times. Nobody has hit me full force on the boob. I've been poked in the eye, hit on the nose, my arms and wrists have been all colours of bruise but my boobs are unscathed!

Seriously though, the situation is about more than boobs. Most men will have been brought up to respect women and never to lift their hand to them and so it goes against the fibres of their being to attack a woman even in a controlled environment like the dojo. I understand this and it's good that they don't find it easy to attack females. I get that it's difficult to do the opposite of everything you believe in.  But bear in mind that you're not attacking her out of malice or anger. You're doing it out of support and encouragement as part of a lesson. My advice to everyone is this: when you're in the dojo, whether you're male or female, never hold back your attack or do the techniques half assed because you're working with a woman. If she is attacked in real life her attacker isn't going to hold back so you aren't doing her any favours since she won't learn how to deal with it properly.

My argument is that by attacking everyone (in the dojo) whole heartedly, you're giving everyone the chance to learn and grow.

The problem with Steven

I saw a film called Bulletproof Monk last night. I love a good Hollywood martial arts movie so I do! It's a guilty pleasure because you probably wouldn't describe any of them as "good". But I'm mesmerised by Jet Lee, rely on Jackie Chan for a good giggle and you can guarantee a whole load of action from Chow Yun Fat. (Incidentally, it seems Chow Yun Fat isn't a martial artist at all - he's just very good at choreography and stunts!)

Obviously the most famous aikido practitioner is Steven Seagal. I love watching out for a nikkyo, tenchinage or a kotageshi (dramatically sending the attacker into an over-the-top and through a wall).

Unfortunately for me though I find Steven Seagal's movies more frustrating than anything else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting his abilities off-screen. But the camera angles and editing are designed to create drama and thrills which, in my opinion, takes the true awesomeness away from the art. Maybe it's like a doctor or nurse watching Casualty. They're so involved with the reality that they know when something in a hospital TV programme is dramatised for the audience. Kind of ruins it for them and others watching it with them! And Steven Seagal might have black belts in aikido, karate, judo and kendo but, with all due respect, he can't act for peanut butter.

Anyway, that doesn't stop me enjoying a bit of Under Seige!

Poker face (and non-organic bananas)

There are people who aren't bothered about what other people think. I believe they still care about those other people... just not what they think. These people can make choices and be confident they've made the right one. I'm not one of these people! I worry about what others think which has an effect on my confidence and leaves me a tad vulnerable to criticism.

I have found myself thinking about this recently. Over the past couple of weeks Michael has had to bring Joseph to the dojo and they've sat at the side of the mat. This is because I breastfeed and Joseph is suddenly refusing to take the bottle from Michael when I'm not around. He just screams till I come home (Joseph not Michael... ok maybe Michael's head is also screaming!) But we think that having a baby scream for three and a half hours at home is more cruel than having him quiet and happy with daddy at the side of the mat even that late at night when he should be asleep!

Only, I worry that people think we're being bad parents. You don't see people coming to the gym with their 5 month old baby in tow! Before having Joseph, I'd have been one of those people thinking 'hmmm, that's a bit strange... bringing your baby out at 8pm!' I'd like to think that I wouldn't have gone as far as judging them. But people do judge and my biggest worry is that some busy-body will take it even further and call social services!

It's a bit unfair of me to call them a busy-body I suppose. We all have a duty to report it if we suspect a child is being abused or mistreated. But hopefully they'd see that Joseph isn't short of people looking out for him. It's the love of his parents that has Joseph out on a Tuesday night in the first place! And there's a whole aikido family giving him love and protection.

Unfortunately I do worry about what people think despite trying not to! It's particularly difficult since becoming a parent. Just today I was reading an article about the physical dangers of front facing baby carriers to the point that the author suggested they should all be burned. Then in the same sitting I read another article that reported there's no scientific evidence to show that front facing carriers are dangerous for your baby. Same with organic food. There's such a lot of scaremongering about the "dangers" of pesticide residue but there's a largely unreported argument that organic food is potentially more dangerous because the residue of the chemicals used to deter pests have not been as rigorously tested as the pesticides.

What's a parent to do? What's a human to do?! Everything contradicts everything and people have to make their own choices so, whatever I decide, someone is going to disagree and be judgmental. So I'm doomed to always worry about what people think!

In situations like this I try to find the answer through what I've learned in aikido. I'm a bit stumped with this one mainly because I know the solution without aikido: stop worrying about what people think! But that's easier said than done.

I recall having similar worries as a white belt when sensei would have us do a randori exercise. I didn't like randori back then. I didn't like being in the centre of a circle with everyone watching me. I thought they were laughing at me for getting mixed up or they were judging my rubbish ukemis. I sometimes wonder if sensei can read my thoughts because during one lesson he split the class into a number of small groups and spent time with my group going through a few 10th form exercises in a circle. He taught us the importance of positive attitude and showing confidence in the face of our attacker even if we were quivering underneath. Never let your opponent see doubt, never falter. Grimacing, tutting, stamping a foot... all that shows your opponent you got it wrong and there's a weakness they can use against you. If you get it wrong, so what? Move onto the next uke. (Later in my aikido experience, this lesson developed into training ourselves to "just do something" no matter if its wrong.)

I have to admit, I don't have a poker face! When I'm practicing a technique my partner can ALWAYS tell what's going on; if I'm pleased with myself, frustrated, confused or if I've started with the wrong foot! It's very hard not to stop half way through, grumble quietly, apologise and start again. Sensei is trying to teach me to just keep going and finish - even if I've done something completely different to what I'm supposed to. Anyway, I've got side tracked...

Now I look forward to randori! Because I've trained myself not to care what the others think. If I get it wrong it's ok, I figure out (or am told) what was wrong and I try again. That might not be so easy with a baby... life is so fragile - sometimes getting it wrong can be catastrophic! But if there was a difinitive guide to parenting, I wouldn't be writing this post. Most of the time you have to  weigh up the options and make the best choice for your family. I know I won't get it right every time but that's maybe where the aikido lesson comes in. If I have positivity and confidence in myself then any mistakes I do make I can learn from them and hopefully correct myself along the way. Not showing doubt and a lack of confidence, which is difficult for me, will not only help to prevent people judging and critising but it will also pave the way for Joseph to have total faith in his mummy making him feel more secure.

So when you see me out way past bedtime with Joseph in a front facing carrier, feeding him non-organic banana, don't judge me. I've done my research and made my decision. I just wish I didn't worry about what you think of it!!

Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin

Questions questions!

Following my post "life with a baby is a whole different ball game" a number of people who (very kindly) read my blog but don't pracrice aikido (why not?) Have asked "what are the answers to your mum's questions?" So, for those who haven't spoken to me or don't know me personally, here are the answers!

1. Who goes where in the line?
Mum was talking about lining out at the start and end of class when we bow to the Ki sign and Sensei. If you're facing the Ki sign, the line starts with the lowest grade at the left and moves up the grades to blue belt at the right. Brown belts make a line in front, then Dan grades (black belts) and then finally Sensei. If you have more than one person of the same grade (e.g 3 green belts), out of respect the person with the most experience goes furthest to the right. It sounds complicated but it isn't really. When you first start you'll be furthest to the left since you're the newest person. You then just keep moving to the right as new people join and you work through your grades. That's why white belts are so important. Every new white belt pushes the rest of us along the line and encourages us to keep improving.

2. How come sensei picks on that one guy?
Mum was talking about Uke here. Sensei used him to demonstrate techniques all through that particular class and there's nothing more impressive than Sensei and Uke doing kokinage. It's considered an honour to be Sensei's uke. It means he trusts you with his own safety and that of the class. It means he knows you'll follow the Ki principles and that the technique will be demonstrated accurately.

3. Who teaches sensei?
We do! Not in the same way that he teaches us but you'll find an earlier post on this blog that tries to explain how I was learning from white belt students even though I was in a teaching position. People learn in different ways, they interpret instructions in different ways and ask different questions so that Sensei always has to be on top of his game.

4. Why aren't some of the white belts doing that exercise?
I have explained in a previous post that your white belt is the most important belt you have. You'll have it forever (since all new Gis come with a white belt so you don't need to pass it down to anyone) and you learn the aikido basics which will be developed through all the grades so it's important to get a good basic understanding of the techniques and Ki exercises at this level. As people learn and develop at different paces  (and people start at different times) so you may find that, at all levels, some students will be doing slightly different things. On that occasion when my mum asked the question, students were practicing Kokyunage focusing on throwing partner outwards by using Ki. Some beginners have not yet been taught ukemis and so they have to continue to practice roll-to-stand. Others are new to ukemis and so nage has to be extra careful. Ki can be very powerful even if you don't realise you're using it! In fact, its when you don't realise how powerful it is that accidents can happen.

5. How come only some people wear the "fancy black trousers"?
With this question my mum was referring to the hakama. All the ladies wear them as, back in the old days, the Gi was peoples' pyjamas so its not very lady-like to be running around in nightwear! This may seem a bit old fashioned and, it could be argued, sexist. But its the rule. In addition to the ladies, all Dan grades wear hakama along with the black belt.

So I hope that clears up some intrigue. If you have any other questions just pop them in a comment and I'll do my best to answer!

A guide to "getting it wrong"

In one of the Star Wars films Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try" but when it comes to aikido you'll seldom get it right first time! So it's important to try.

Just because aikido lessons can look calm and focused, it doesn't make it easy. I hardly ever get it right first time. Often Sensei will demonstrate something then tell us to go do it. I do try to copy and it looked straight forward but actually doing it is a different matter.

I used to beat myself up about that. I'd go home and whine to Michael "how come everyone else can do it and I'm rubbish?" But I, of all people, should understand that we all have different learning styles. I'm a reflector which means I'll yo yo between doing and analysing so it takes me a bit longer to work things out. Take a randori for example. Sensei demonstrates what we've to do and then the circle is open for students to do it in turn. Usually (as per etiquette) the highest grade student goes first and we work our way down the grades. This is perfect because it means I can watch and analyse it before its my turn. Sometimes that works and I do get it right, other times it turns into a muddle of arms and legs. But one thing Sensei has always said is "it doesn't matter if you get it wrong, just do something". This all comes down to confidence and attitude. If you're being attacked by 4 guys you can't just hold up your hand and say "hang on a minute till I think... what's 10th form again? Ok GO!"

Every now and again I get stuck. Take 6th form tenchinage. That's a scary technique and it's difficult to relax and not hold back. Last night I just couldn't get myself in the right position to get the technique to work. I think Dan had to use every ounce of patience he could muster! Yet when I got home and tried it on michael it worked perfectly first time (and believe me, he doesn't let me off lightly!). Just goes to show you what relaxation and confidence can do! And a little bit of competitiveness...

And so, from my experience, here is my guide to "getting it wrong":

- don't beat yourself up. If you've tried to follow the instructions and you haven't been disrespectful then at least you made a go of it. Always give 100% and nobody will ask anymore of you. You'll get it eventually and then something else will come along.
- "it doesn't matter if you get it wrong, just do something". If you're being attacked you need to protect yourself so do something! This is, in fact, much easier said than done!
- you're allowed to ask questions. Be respectful about it though. The highest grade in your group does the teaching so ask them for their guidance. If you don't think it's right keep your mouth shut for now and ask Sensei quietly later on. If you're the highest grade and you don't know the answer, ask Sensei.
- never chastise someone else for getting it wrong. Everyone is trying their best so be patient. One day the tables will be turned.
- you will have at least one nemesis. For me it's nikkyo (and at the moment 6th form tenchinage). Don't get worked up. See my first point - at least you're trying.

So, in short, the great Yoda obviously did not practice aikido because it's important to try even if you don't get it first time. I prefer the quote by O-sensei: Failure is the key to success. Every mistake teaches us something.

Breaking through the pain barrier

Aikido is known as "the way of peace" but just because it's designed to be less aggressive that doesn't make it easy and ineffective. Aikido is a difficult martial art to master and even Sensei will tell you that he still has a lot to learn.  Personally I think it's good that you work to get better, you don't work to be perfect. It means aikido will be useful but never boring. It means your martial art doesn't end at black belt. It means that when you do achieve a pass at grading you know you've worked damn hard to get there. 

For me, my first pain barrier was the roll-to-stand break fall. My leg muscles didn't know what had hit them and I fell out of bed the next morning! But, by comparison, that pain barrier was easy to get over. The ukemis were next. Constantly putting pressure on certain parts of your back will feel like the muscles are ripping and your bones have cracked. It's unlikely they're ripping and cracking - especially if you have been following instructions - but it does take quite a bit of practice. I remember, very early on, spending the best part of a single lesson with Dan just doing ukemi after ukemi after ukemi. Eventually I got the hang of it but it took a while. I'm still not great at over-the-tops or "splats" as I call them. I need to relax more which is the opposite of what my brain is telling my body!

From time to time I'd have a particularly tough day at work or I'd be sitting in front of the TV and think "I REALLY cannot be bothered going to class" and I would drag myself over to the dojo. Believe it or not, when you're absolutely knackered its the best time to go to class. Because you're tired, your body is more relaxed and your weight is more underside so the techniques actually work better! So you end up leaving class more energetic and ready to go again! I got over the phase of dragging my heels into class because I thoroughly enjoy it so it's never a chore. However, these days I've never known exhaustion like it. My eyes ache I'm so tired.  I'm guessing this is my life from now on though since Joseph will only get more energetic so my body is having to go through the phase all over again but on an advanced level! The difference is that I have a greater determination - I've come too far and learned too much to let a little bit of tiredness take over.

More recently (since returning from "maternity leave") it's been weapons and kneeling techniques that are challenging me. Last week, each green belt did in excess of 300 bokkan cuts in half an hour. That's a lot! I said to Uke that I'd be rubbish in a real battle as I was shattered. His response being "the harder you work the more your body will deal with it". Internally I sighed a huge sigh. He's right - I'd pushed past the ukemi pain barrier and I'm getting there with the tiredness (again), this is just one more barrier to overcome.  By the end of this weapons session my shoulder and neck muscles were so sore that they could barely support my head. But we still had over half an hour of class left so I soon forgot about it! Until the next day when every muscle above my waist was screaming at me. But then I know that I've worked really hard so actually the day-after-pain (and incidentally day-after-day-after-pain which is even worse) is a good sign!

The kneeling exercises are new. I know the techniques we're expected to do because I practiced standing with Michael and Chip (name changed for annonimty) but kneeling is completely different! For one, the hakama totally gets in the way - one foot gets stuck up the other leg or both feet get wrapped in the material! So I need to learn to keep my balance whilst having no feet! Secondly, even if the hakama stays where it's supposed to, the techniques themselves become different because you have to overcome the disadvantage of being lower down than your opponent. And lastly, oh my god the ankles hurt big time! I didn't even notice it during class. It was the next morning when I woke up and found that I couldn't feel my feet! Again, just like the ukemis and (hopefully) weapons practice, this pain barrier will be overcome.

Have you ever seen the film "Run Fat Boy Run"? It's exactly like running through an imaginary wall - break through that pain barrier and you can be left in peace to practice the technique and get it to the standard you need for grading. Until then, I'll wake up on Tuesday mornings and think "I REALLY cannot be bothered going to class" then go, enjoy myself, break past that barrier, feel like I can take on the whole world, collapse into bed and then congratulate myself the next day because I can barely move. I love aikido!

Ki outside the dojo

When i was preparing for the birth of my baby, I had a lot of time to think about Ki and I wrote my post "Pregnancy and Ki".  After writing that post, I continued to practise my breathing exercises and tried to focus on extending Ki while I was still doing the Tuesday class.  

Unfortunately, I had to stop going on the mat on Tuesdays as well because my tummy was too big to tie my hakama round it!  If I could have gone on the mat without it I would have but I feel the hakama is as much a part of me as my belt - even more so because the belt changes but the hakama doesn't.  For me, the 7 folds in the hakama serves to remind me about courage, honesty, loyalty, honour, justice, humanity and courtesy and, without it, I would feel a bit lost.  There's an argument that its just a bit of material and that women should not wear their hakama until they get their black belts, same as the men.  But until sensei tells me otherwise, I'll wear it!  I feel the hakama is more than a bit of material... it's more than an achievement.  My hakama is me.  And I'm not going to apologise for being cheesy!!

Anyway, I have strayed off the point of this blog post.

I was sitting in a meeting at work (before Joseph decided to be born early) when a man came into the room (one from outside the organisation whom I'd never met before) and he had everyone's attention the minute he stepped through the door.  There didn't appear to be an obvious reason for this - he wasn't loud and obnoxious or particularly handsome (not as handsome as my husband anyway ;) and he wore just a plain business suit so nothing that would particularly draw the eye.  And yet there was something about him.  He was a force in the room but not unpleasant or agressive. We discussed a lot of things about business in that meeting and, while there were disagreements, there was never an argument.  His attitude and behaviour were remarkable.

What was it about this stranger?

I decided the only explanation is that some people naturally extend Ki without knowing it.  I remember sensei mentioning this a while ago. Some people recognise it and work with it very easily while others have to search for it and practise.  I think I'm the latter!  I wish I had had time to speak to the guy after the meeting but business waits for no one and we all had to move on. I have no idea whether or not he was aware of his effect on people... if he purposely used it to his advantage.

Ive blogged before about the opposite type of person - one who saps your energy and sucks all the happiness out of the atmosphere. Or worse, bullies... people who get a kick out of making others miserable. I truly believe Ki can be used at any time (not just in techniques) and that it SHOULD be used to make life happier and more peaceful. It can be channelled through attitude, behaviour, actions and words but, unless you're lucky like that guy, it will need to be practiced!

In case you're interested, I'll finish my birth story as proof that using your Ki can make a difference:

After a while of practising my breathing exercises every day, I began to notice that I would go into a bit of, what I can only describe as, "a dwam". It sounds ridiculous but I was aware of my surroundings while being totally relaxed and at the same time I was tuning in with my baby and our energies were intertwining. I get a lighter version of that feeling when I first go on the mat and I'll kneel for about 5-10 seconds first before bowing.  Like letting go of the world and focussing on the here and now.  When the time came for Joseph to be born it was nothing like I'd imagined!  Because of my high blood pressure I had to have an emergency cesarean section.  I tell you, I have NEVER been so afraid as I was when I was on the operating table.  It's not comfortable and there are a gazillion lights and faces swimming in and out of your vision.  I was shaking so much I felt I was about to fall off the table.  Something had to be done... for my mental safety and the physical safety of my baby. So I stopped trying to focus on the lights and the people.  I started doing my breathing exercises and imagined my Ki being a physical force expanding from me and protecting me like a shield.  In my bubble I went to what I had recently discovered to be my husband's "happy place".  I pictured me, him and our baby on a beach up north - blue sky, big sunshine and the sound of the waves.  My body stopped shaking immediately. The surgeon even asked "are you doing that mindfulness stuff?"  I just nodded - I didn't want to come back into the room and it would take too long to explain. "Ki" I said but he probably thought I was saying "key"!  He commented on how he'd never seen it work so well.  I kid you not, the shaking stopped immediately and I was as calm as ever.  Next thing I knew, I was coming round from the anaesthetic and found out I have a son!

Peace does not mean no more conflict among humanity. Conflict is bound to happen, so in order to keep peace in spite of conflict, the only realistic method is the spirit of dialogue, respecting the other side and understanding their viewpoint. We need to try to solve problems in the spirit of brotherhood and sisterhood, in a spirit of reconciliation and compromise.— The Dalai Lama
Your spirit is your true shield— Morihei Ueshiba

The infamous green belt grading

I have mentioned my green belt grading in a few posts and promised that I would go into it in a bit more detail.  Before I start, I'd like to point out that this post means no disrespect to anyone and is not meant to critisise those who were involved.  I have a lot of respect for any sensei or fellow student who teaches and advises.  Indeed, this event taught me a lot about myself and what I want to gain from practicing aikido so I'm actually very grateful for the experience.

I've always stuck by my own rule that if I don't feel ready for a grading then I don't put myself forward for it. I want to be the best I can be at each level before moving to the next. I don't ever want to be one of those people who get their black belt just for the sake of being able to say to people "I'm a black belt". Yes its an amazing achievement and one to be celebrated, but its only worth something if you've earned it. For my green belt I'd have quite happily gone another 6 months before grading but I decided to push myself. Its one thing not going for a grading because you're not ready... an entirely different thing not going just because you're scared.

So I worked hard. Probably harder than the work I put into my masters dissertation.  But the day before the grading I genuinely felt I couldn't be any better at that level. It was by no means perfect but you'll never be perfect at aikido! And so I went to bed with the usual pre-grading jitters but satisfied that I was ready for my green belt. I knew I was ready, sensei knew it and my fellow students knew it.

On the day itself I wasn't as nervous as I've been before.  My Ki breathing was more effective even if I didn't understand it. Michael and I got through the grading with Chip fairly unscathed. There were no major errors in the techniques and the Ki exercises went pretty well. In fact, the techniques went so well I actually enjoyed myself and I felt the Ki exercises were performed the best we'd ever done them!

I came off the mat pleased with my efforts.

And then we got the feedback.

The sensei who was grading us said that the techniques had been ok but the Ki was disappointing.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel the world has crumbled around you and you're left perched in a big empty space with only a sad tumble weed for company? Just me then? :D
Seriously though, I've only felt that level of disappointment once before and that was when I failed Higher Chemistry (if I told you my dad was a chemistry teacher that might put the disappointment in context for you!).

I was utterly confused. I had felt, in myself, that the test hadn't gone THAT badly yet the grading sensei was telling me I barely deserved my green belt!  In addition to that, the feedback is not private. Its given to you in front of the whole club and so to say I was mortified is an understatement. A million things went through my head afterwards: I KNOW I had performed the best I could so if it was that bad then why am I even here? If it was that bad, how come I still passed? If I was that bad why didn't my sensei tell me? I trusted him! There I was thinking I was doing well but the rest of the club were laughing at me because silly Marie was trying to do 5th form ikkyo haha!

I managed to hold back the tears. I have to say that's one of the things I'm most proud of! Normally I would have broken down and made a bigger ass of myself but this time I kept breathing and stayed calm. I held my head up and, according to the rest of the world, shrugged it off. Sensei would never have put me forward if I wasn't ready. If I was to be skeptical I'd say that's because it's his reputation on the line if I fail. But, if that's even a factor it's negligible. Sensei puts us forward because he believes in us, wants us to do well and knows we can do it.

I'm not going to go into a long-winded rant about why I think we were judged so harshly by the grading sensei. All I know for sure is that I had to turn this negative experience into a positive. I decided I would take the feedback, no matter how negative, and work with it. Sensei Wilson often talks about his notebook and that he always wrote down his own sensei's important lessons. So I decided writing down what I've learned would be a good way forward for me since it allows me to reflect on the lesson and think about how to apply it in future. However, with the best will in the world I'm rubbish at remembering to do stuff like that so I decided to modernise it a bit and create a blog. That way, maybe other people could learn along with me or use it to reflect on their own experiences. I decided to give the blog a Ki focus since its Ki-aikido I'm learning and without the Ki you only have "aido"!

So finally you have the background to this blog. Rather than turning me away from aikido, the green belt grading made me stronger both inside and outside the dojo. It was one of those major decisions in my life - I either had to give it up as a lost cause and move on or I had to embrace it as a way of life. Thankfully sensei helped me move in the direction of the latter. Aikido is a part of me and, through that, every Tuesday I have fun, success, and hard work with the most wonderful people - my aikido family!

Life with a baby is a whole different ball game!

You may have guessed from my radio silence that our stunning baby boy arrived safe and well! And he did stun us... 5 weeks before his due date! I'm going to try and not be one of those people who can talk about nothing except their child. That's very difficult at the moment because he's all I focus on 24/7 so I'll try to get it out of my system now!

I've been trying to complete this blog post for 2 months now!  Nothing prepares you for your first baby.  All the stories, advice and warnings from friends and relatives do nothing to prepare you for reality.  Joseph demands my attention permanently even when he's sleeping! If he doesn't get enough sleep during the day then we end up with an evening like yesterday when we couldn't get Mr Crankypants to sleep until we took him out in the car at half past 11. He doesn't like to sleep anywhere except in someone's arms (or his car seat but only if the car's moving!) so typing blogs and other computer related activities is very difficult.  He knows how to go to sleep... he just refuses to do it!  I now have 4 minutes to publish this blog before he realises I'm not holding him and then kicks up merry hell!  But nobody can resist this wee chubby face and teeny hands... I'm loving every minute of being a mum:

Two months ago I decided to take Joseph to the Friday class to meet sensei and our aikido family.

While everyone (understandably if I do say so myself) oohed and ahhed over Joseph, my mum (who came with me since I'd only just started driving again) was keen to stay and watch a class to see what Michael and I have been talking about over the last few years. As I was answering her questions about all things aikido: who goes where in the line? How come sensei picks on that one guy? Who teaches sensei? Why aren't some of the white belts doing that exercise? How come only some people wear the "fancy black trousers"?... I found myself longing to tie on my hakama and join in the class again. In fact I really had to hold myself back from just kicking off my shoes and jumping onto the mat right there and then! I'm sure sensei wouldn't have minded... However a cesarean section is major surgery and I had to wait at least 8 weeks before exercising again.  But that didn't stop me trying out some of the Ki techniques on my mum while I was watching! As sensei said, its like sitting an addict in front of their addiction and telling them not to touch it.  But, with great effort, I held myself back - I wouldn't want to do myself an injury that would stop me from practising aikido and/or having more children!

What really amazed me was how far everyone had come.  I'd missed a grading so my fellow green-belts are different people and the people I'm used to working with, including my husband, have moved on.  The brown belts who will be grading for black in the not-too-distant-future demonstrated amazing randori (which delighted my mum as it showed exactly how effective aikido can be against an unstaged attack).

I couldn't wait to get back!  I've returned to the Tuesday class now and daddy's in charge of Joseph which not only gives me a break but lets father and son have quality time.  We're beginning to get into a routine these days so hopefully I'll be able to pick up this blog again as I find myself trying to remember sensei's teachings and then forgetting them the minute I get home!  I might invest in a notebook...

"Your spirit is your true shield" ~ O-Sensei

My pregnancy hormones are causing me to be terribly emotional at the moment (along with swollen feet, feeling icky in the mornings and being constantly knackered... but that's all normal!).  I've finally admitted that I can no longer go on the mat to practice aikido so I'm sitting on the side-lines for both classes now.  This is not out of choice - my hakama forced me to do it!  I can barely get it tied round my waist and, when I do, I get stuck in it!  It's sometimes necessary to avoid people's "sweat pools" on the mat but with the hakama pressing on my bladder... it's getting a bit risky for everyone involved!  As well as the hakama issue, I have never known exhaustion like this.  I know making a baby is hard work but nothing can prepare you for the exhaustion and I can't even describe it properly to warn anyone.  I had to spend the whole day on the couch on Saturday since we'd had a busy week and clearly my body can't cope with it anymore!

Anyway, as I've said before, not being on the mat doesn't mean that I can't still take part in lessons.  I've blogged about lessons that I have learned from watching the white belt students practice for their gradings and a few classes ago I very much enjoyed watching the other green belts pummeling each other for the best part of an hour.

One of my classmates is going through a bit of a tough time at the moment - I won't go into detail because that wouldn't be fair but I will detail Sensei's lesson about it and how it affects my own situation.

Sensei pointed out that when people get injured, whether on or off the mat, it would be dangerous to take part in class and so some students will still attend but sit out to watch (emphasising my view above that there's still learning to be done).  This is called "mitori geiko" or "watching practice".  Sensei noted that doing this shows positive character and resilience.  A strong spirit.  However, the true test of the strength of your spirit is when your heart is breaking and your mind is consumed by grief or sadness and yet you can still hold your head up and step onto the mat.  People deal with their problems in different ways but the aikido practitioners that I know seem to have this need to keep going and don't appear to think twice about it.

So that, of course, got me thinking!  Everyone has their troubles.  We might not know about them or how it's affecting that person but everyone has concerns and worries.  For me, aside from building a baby which comes with it's own worries and anxieties (see previous blogs), my mum's partner has recently been diagnosed with 2 forms of dementia which is truly testing the family.  The fact that he knows what's happening to him is hard enough and I can't imagine what he must be going through but the family are having to watch him deteriorate right in front of them.  Yes we can make sure he's sorted with meals and walking aids and yes we can sit and listen to him even though he's making absolutely no sense - that is what he needs and that's fine.  But then we have to go away and somehow get on with life.  This man who once gave me cokey-backs up the stairs, built sandcastles with me, made me jam roley-poley and custard after every. single. meal. he ever cooked, helped me pass my English exam when the Philip Larkin poems got too depressing for words... can barely get himself out of bed without help, can't walk 10 feet without needing a rest, is convinced the neighbours are out to get him and can barely string a logical sentence together.  Yes we can help him as much as we can but who helps the ones who are, in essence, left behind?  Or in this case, who helps the ones who need to keep going without leaving one man behind?

Because life does go on no matter what's happening.  The world still turns, the bed still needs made and the kettle isn't going to put itself on.  As sensei said, there's joy in life even though it won't seem like it when you're given some terrible news or going through a difficult time.  You might be left behind - but you're left behind with a life that has joy in it.  You might feel that you're leaving someone else behind - but just talking to that person will be enough to bring them joy.  

Positivity, resilience, determination: your spirit is your true shield.  I think true aikidoka recognise this (even if they don't realise it) and that's what brings them onto the mat even though your average person would prefer to close the door, turn off the lights and shut the curtains.  

As well as having something to focus on, an aikido class brings me joy.  A sense of achievement for myself when I finally grasp a technique, pride when my fellow practitioners achieve a new belt, belonging to a close family (that's different from my actual family), fun, compassion and dedication.  It makes you wonder... through the good times and the bad, why wouldn't you go on the mat?

The truth about gradings

With the next grading creeping ever closer, I thought I'd say a wee bit about them and what they mean (to me - other people may have had different experiences so feel free to comment!).  I'm not going to sit here and give you words of wisdom about how to pass a grading because, the truth is, there's no secret to that.  If you've practiced your techniques and Ki exercises then you shouldn't have a problem in passing to the next level.

Everyone should pass their grading.  Your sensei would not put you forward for a test if there was any possibility that you weren't good enough.  I have actually been to gradings where the student struggled through their tests.  Whether this was because their nerves took over to the extreme or because their sensei had misjudged their abilities, I don't know.  But I would hope that everyone involved had learned from that experience as no one should struggle through a grading.  My own view, which I've mentioned in a previous blog, is that I don't go for grading unless I'm absolutely sure of my own abilities at that level.  There have been times when sensei has been happy for me to go for grading but I have decided not to.  He has always believed in me and has accepted my decisions.  However, I've long been aware that I need believe in him!  If he thinks I'm ready then why am I resisting?  Nobody in my club has ever given me reason to doubt myself (with the exception of the green belt grading but I'll do a different post about that) so I don't know why I hesitate.  I tried to go for my green belt 6 months after the orange belt grading but something held me back.  This time, I made the decision as soon as I got my green belt that I'd be getting my blue belt in May.  Unfortunately a certain baby reversed that decision for me!  But Michael is still going for his and I'm really pleased about that.  Someone asked me if I felt cheated because it's not my fault I can't grade this time.  It technically is partly my fault (it takes 2 to tango!) but Michael is a good aikido practitioner (or aikidoka to give it the correct term) so why should I expect him to hold back?  That wouldn't be fair either.  So the whole point of this paragraph is that in order to go for your grading, trust your instincts.  If you don't feel ready, talk to sensei and if you don't want to go for it then don't.  On the other hand, if you feel ready and sensei hasn't suggested you go for your grading then, again, talk to him.  There's maybe something more that he needs to see from you before putting you forward and that's all part of the learning curve.  It's not an insult and it's not that he doesn't like you - quite the opposite!  He's making sure that when you get to black belt level, you are a black belt and not about to get knocked out during a bar fight on Saturday night (that's not the aikido way!).

So what happens in a grading?  It's not a case of ticking a box on a piece of paper and saying "yes sensei I can do that".  Oh no, it's not that easy!  You must demonstrate that you're able to do the techniques and Ki exercises suitable for your grade.  You might think that's a bit silly - if sensei knows you can do it then why do you need to be tested?  The same could be asked of the education system.  The teacher knows his/her students can do the work but, to formalise that and acknowledge their abilities, they need to be tested.

In a grading, the white belts always go first.  This does sound cruel - they're new to the experience, have no idea what to expect and yet we make them bumble through it first, alone!  But I think this is all part of the test and, despite being the lowest grade, a white belt grading isn't easy.  It isn't meant to be!  If you want your yellow belt badly enough then nothing will stop you going for it.  I remember being the biggest nervous wreck on the planet before my first grading.  However it was actually a nice nervousness because it was an experience I was keen to have - it was fear of the unknown that was giving me heart palpitations!  I remember being at class the night before my first grading and John (there were loads of Johns in our club so anonymity has been maintained!) told me that the room had lots of mirrors in it.  He said "you'll be fine Marie but whatever you do don't look in the effing mirrors!".  Cue nightmare about sensei strategically planting full length mirrors all over the mat so that I couldn't avoid looking in them!  The real experience was fine though - nobody was trying to trip me up with full-length mirrors and I was too busy concentrating on what I was doing to look into the wall mirrors.  My advice to white belts would be to breathe deeply and regularly before your name is called and then just go for it.  Allow yourself to show the other people in the room what you can do because you can do it and you deserve this moment on the mat.  Don't think about avoiding mistakes, think about your yellow belt.  And, if you can, steal a glance at sensei and you will see him standing or sitting with his virtual tail feathers on full display!

Obviously, the higher your grade the more difficult and numerous the techniques and Ki tests will be.  Again, compared with the education system, your highers (or whatever they're called these days!) were more difficult than the standard grades but your learning had also developed.  The same goes for Aikido.  The yellow belt, orange belt, green belt etc gradings should be no harder than the white belt grading if you've practiced and feel ready for it.  In fact they'll be less complicated because at least you'll know what's happening!

Gradings always stir up a mix of emotions for me.  Eagerness to show what I can do so that I can move onto the next level, anxiousness about making sensei proud, doubt about whether I should have gone for this after all and excitement because it's a celebration of people's achievements.  I don't have a miracle cure for nerves.  A bit of anxiousness is good to get the adrenaline pumping but it's not so good if it's making you feel sick and causing mind blocks!  A grading is not about anyone trying to catch you out and making you fail.  A grading is about you showing your sensei and fellow students what you can do and that you're ready for your next belt.  That little bit of extra pressure on you during the grading is making you stronger.  I've always enjoyed the celebratory atmosphere once a grading is finished.  There's a sense of relief, sure, but it's mainly about congratulations and celebrations (unintended Cliff Richard quote!) and that comes from everyone, even those who didn't grade.  Remember, congratulations should also be afforded to your sensei (because you wouldn't be there otherwise), any Dan Grades who helped you and the other students that you practiced with.  Without those people, you wouldn't be at the level you're at now.

And so, as you've read, there's no big secret about how to pass a grading.  If you've put in as much effort and practice as you can, sensei will respect that and will put you forward for the test when you're ready.  This is where the education system is nothing like aikido gradings - you never truly know if you've passed an exam until you get the results a few months later.  If you're in a grading with sensei's blessing, I'd suggest you're already at the next level and you just have to demonstrate it.  No sweat! 

Ki and pregnancy

My ramblings about Ki must sound very naive and raw.  I'm not too worried about that though because I'm still at the very start of the Ki learning curve and I know I have a long way to go.

I'm beginning to focus on the upcoming event in my life that is going to change everything.  There is a certain amount of fear associated with childbirth and, from my own experience and from speaking to other pregnant women, the fear stems from images in films or TV programmes where the woman is typically lying on her back screaming blue murder, surrounded by machines and medical staff, pushing for all she's worth.  The other strange phenomena I've noticed is that other women play a big part in the fear.  With the exception of a few women, those who find out I'm pregnant immediately clamber over themselves to tell me how bad it is and that their experience was one of pain and complication.  Why do women do that to each other? Where's the support and encouragement? Where's the joy and excitement at the wonderful thing that's happening?

And how can every birth be that bad?  How has the human race survived if childbirth is so horrific?  No man has ever told me a bad story about the birth of their child.  I hear you ask yourself "what would a man know anyway?" but I personally think he'd know quite a lot.  Yes it's from a different perspective but if he was present at the birth then surely he'll have gone through some amount of stress and mental torture as he watched his partner screaming through the most pain she's ever experienced?  Men's stories of childbirth are ones of awe and pride.  No it didn't look like a walk in the park for his partner but look at what all that resulted in... He's holding a beautiful baby in his arms because of her!  

I've always kept the premise at the back of my mind that childbirth is natural and the survival of the species is dependent on it.  The female body is built to bring life into the world - that's what it does!  Therefore I strongly believe that childbirth can't be that bad!  I have to admit though that my resolve does waver regularly!  Is my belief about childbirth so wrong when everytime I turn round someone has a negative anecdote to tell?  A natural part of existence versus the stories that other women (and films) tell me... The two just don't add up!  

As well as the worry that my childbirth beliefs don't match reality, Michael's fear of blood was also causing us both to be anxious about how we were going to get this baby into the world.  Whenever I mention his haemophobia to other women, the typical sarcastic response is "oh yeh well he's going to be really useful isn't he?" coupled with a sharp intake of breath and shake of the head.  Over the last few months, this had me in a bit of a state.  In all honesty, I don't have any doubt about my own abilities to give birth but that doesn't stop the worry that I'm totally inexperienced and my husband will be a crumpled wreck in the corner!  We made this baby, we will be responsible for it, we are partners in this and it's the most natural thing in the world - it doesn't make sense to me that I should be scared of it and that Michael shouldn't be a fundamental part of bringing his child into the world.

So what is the solution to worry and fear?  You may not be surprised to read that I have turned to Ki.

When I was 20 weeks pregnant I started a yoga class on a Saturday morning to help make up for the stretching that I was missing from the Friday aikido class.  It was here that I learned the importance of breathing to help relaxation during labour.  Yoga breathing and Ki breathing are actually very similar with slight differences where the Yoga class I attend has developed the breathing specifically for pregnancy and birth.  

There's something to be said about the simplicity of relaxation through breathing.  It's difficult at first because your mind is constantly turning and, in this world where everything moves so quickly at the touch of a button, it's not automatic for us to empty our minds.  This takes practice (as with everything else in aikido!) and will become natural eventually so that if you feel yourself getting tense and stressed you can check your breathing to bring your emotions back to normal levels.

Relaxation through deep and regular breathing prevents the body from producing the hormone that causes a flight, fight or freeze response.  A birthing woman can't run away from giving birth or fight with it and so the body freezes which causes all the pain and complication.  It's a similar situation when being faced with an attack.  If you've got a big masked man running at you with a knife, your body will revert to the fight/flight/freeze reaction.  Keeping one-point, relaxing completely, keeping weight underside and extending Ki (the Ki principles) allows you to deal with the attack calmly, safely and positively.  The flight/fight/freeze response shouldn't even come into it. I have been practising relaxation through ki breathing at home using the Ki Principles which, combined with the yoga adaptations, seems to be helping to lessen my anxieties.  The more I practise the easier (I hope) it will be to relax when I'm in labour.  We'll see!

You can learn about ki breathing on the web page below but the best way to learn is to attend a class:
http://ki-aikido.net/KASHIWAYA/Excerpts.html

verbal aikido

Once of the most amusing experiences I have had in the dojo was at the end of a class a while back. There was a new manager in the sports club and it seemed like he wanted to be running a tight ship.  Sensei often runs his classes late - it's a mutual unspoken understanding between us and the staff.  We put the mats out and then put them away, this saves the staff a lot of bother and so they leave us to get on with it.  In all fairness; who wants to challenge Sensei on the subject of time keeping when he's just thrown a few ukes across the mat or into over-the-tops?  However, one evening the new manager, who hadn't taken the trouble to learn of the unspoken agreement between his staff and their customers, stalked into the dojo when class finished and trampled right over the top of the mats with the clear intention of giving Sensei a piece of his mind.  Aside from his total lack of respect for the dojo, he ignored everyone he passed, making a beeline for Sensei.  When the manager was half way up the mat, Sensei turned round and it was as if the wind was totally taken out of the manager!  The closer to Sensei he got, the slower he became.  He smiled sheepishly and dumbly confirmed to Sensei that we had over-run our class.  Sensei spoke softly in reply so I don't know what he said but, for all the drama that the manager had created on entering the dojo, nobody noticed him leave.

The point of my story is that somehow Sensei defused the situation before it became a conflict.  Aikido is not about fighting - it's about blending with your attacker, de-stabalising them and neutralising the attack.  Sensei wasn't in a dojo-controlled situation, for example 1st form shionage or 3rd form ikkyo, he was in a real-life situation requiring him to use his aiki so that the conflict didn't start at all.  The manager's intended attack was verbal and, like many conflict situations you might experience on a daily basis, Sensei's defence could have been to throw a verbal punch in retaliation and an argument would have ensued breaking down the working relationships that he had worked so hard to build with the rest of the staff.  Instead, he used his Ki and body language to disarm the manager before he had a chance to attack and then, I'm assuming, used words to blend and neutralise.

I was thinking about this the other day in a meeting at work.  We all have that one colleague (some of us maybe have more than one) who are never truly happy and always seem to want to start an argument.  For me, it's a member of my team who is, by far, the most pessimistic person I've ever met.  My challenge is when we're in meetings and I have a suggestion or an idea which she always, without fail, counteracts with a negative comment or story.  I leave the meeting feeling demotivated - me being in that meeting is a total waste of time because I can't put anything useful forward.  However, a couple of meetings ago I fought back.  My colleague aggressively questioned something I had put in the  minutes of the previous meeting and I verbally punched her back which resulted in an argument in front of the entire room.  This time, I left the meeting feeling shaken and exhausted - like I'd actually just done an hour of physical exercise!  As always, when I feel something hasn't gone particularly well, I reflected on what I could have done better.  I'm not satisfied with just sitting back and letting this person sap the spirit out of me, nor am I satisfied at getting into a fight with her.  So what could I do instead?

In a previous job, my line manager was a bully and regularly put me down or made fun of me... or was just down right nasty.  It was during that time that I read a quote by O-Sensei along the lines of "the wise win before the fight while the ignorant fight to win".  My way of dealing with her was imagining the first poke in the Jo Kata and making contact with her so that she flew backwards out the office window.  The more I imagined doing this, the further out the window she went!  Interestingly in reality, the more I did this in my mind, the less she spoke to me and the more peace I got!  Especially if I imagined it the minute she walked in the room.  My current "nemsis" is not a bully and is in fact a nice person overall - she's just one of these very unhappy people that can't see the good in anything.

I decided the next time we were in a meeting, instead of imagining an attack, I would try to disarm her first therefore negating my need for the imaginary Jo!  And so in the following meetings, I smiled at her and nodded my head encouragingly when she spoke.  If she belittled me or pushed my ideas aside, I thanked her for her opinions and asked if she had an alternative solution.  I by-passed anything that I could have taken offence to and essentially just ignored her negativity.  If I got stuck, I asked for other people's thoughts and that would get the conversation going again.

I'm not going to lie, it's hard work!  And I still haven't got it 100% right as it's all too tempting to bite back or withdraw into myself or, even worse, get up and walk out of the meeting because I just can't be bothered anymore.  If I did any of that during class, Sensei would have something to say and I'd be ashamed of myself!

That's not to say that I haven't had the same feelings on the mat.  A while ago (I may still have been a yellow belt at the time) I was at a different dojo (within the same aikido club of course) with a different Sensei taking the class.  As there were no gradings coming up we were having a bit of "fun" with eleventh form.  Eleventh form just frazzles my brain and normally I do have fun with it because I don't need to know it for an upcoming grading (yet) but this particular exercise we were to practice was just so confusing!  The more I tried to do it, the more confused I got and the more frustrated I became which meant that anybody working with me was having to stop and explain what I was supposed to be doing.  While I always appreciate the help, it was just getting me more stressed out as I knew I was holding the rest of them back.  At one point I just wanted to sit down and cry! It happened again when we were practicing grading techniques for our green belts.  I knew what to do but it just wasn't coming together that night and it took a lot of effort for me not to fold my arms and announce "I can't do this, I'm not grading anymore".  I have no idea what Sensei would have done!  But out of respect for him, my fellow practitioners and myself, i have never allowed myself to be beaten by my own frustration and I would NEVER walk out of a class.  So why should a meeting at work be any different?

During my endeavours to win before these little fights with my colleague even started, I came across this website: http://www.verbal-aikido.com/.  For me, it makes a lot of sense.  I work in HR so you can imagine that my meetings with my pessimistic colleague is only the start.  Sometimes, staff can get very angry at something and want someone to blame.  Or they want to vent their frustrations on an imaginary punch-bag.  Very often they end up in the HR office either to verbally attack me or as a result of one colleague verbally attacking another.  It's actually quite hard to have an "inner smile" without actually smiling on the outside!  When someone is in the middle of ranting about how rubbish the conditions of paternity leave are, it doesn't help when I start smiling at them!  Just like actual Aikido, verbal aikido is going to take some practice!

Lessons from White Belts

The class I now sit out of is the Friday class.  There are a few white belts at this class which is always good to see but I've never truly taken the time to watch them because I've been too busy working on my own technique.  The past few weeks I've been watching and learning from the White Belts.  Two valuable lessons have stood out for me: 

1. The importance of the Uke

2. Practice makes (almost) perfect

On Tuesdays, sensei has sometimes been pairing me up with white belts to give me the opportunity to practice teaching.  Another two lessons from this!: 

3. Sometimes you need to stand back

4. Keep it simple

1. The importance of the uke 

Sensei has often spoken to us about Uke's role in helping Nage to learn.  If Uke is resistant while Nage is learning the technique then it won't work and Nage will become disheartened (not to mention the fact that this type of practice can result in injury).  Yes, sometimes the students in my class have a mischievous glint in their eye and purposefully make the technique difficult for the Nage but this is usually once the technique has been learned and the Nage is comfortable with it.  Taking the technique to the next level is a progression of learning and expands Nage's understanding but they have to know what they're doing first.   

Watching White Belts uke for each other is fascinating.  Some of them understand that they need to respond to the technique and "do what they're supposed to do" for now even if Nage's Ki isn't that strong.  Some others, however, resist the technique and appear quite robotic and/or unenthusiastic.  The technique therefore doesn't work and both are left wondering what the point is!

Having said all that, I reflect on my own abilities as a Uke when I was a White Belt and remember that my fear of getting hit in the face prevented me from attacking properly.  I'm still bad for that and I really need to do something about it!  Sensei has always praised my husband Michael for his Ukeing abilities and I have to try my best not be jealous!  I look at how Michael attacks and reacts to the Nage and he looks relaxed which means Nage is confident in doing the technique and it allows Michael to easily respond to what Nage is doing, therefore he keeps himself out of danger naturally.  My mistake is that I'm always trying to guess the next move.  There's a fine line between reacting in a certain way because "that's what you're supposed to do" and reacting in a certain way because that's what you have to do to avoid a smack in the face or whatever Nage decides!  It's often a split second decision but if you're relaxed, your body reacts naturally and the brain doesn't try to over-ride it.

Watching Sensei's Uke is remarkable.  He takes everything that Sensei throws his way and just keeps coming back for more, attacking properly and responding to Sensei's moves.  I don't believe that Sensei's Uke is prepped in advance, it seems that he is able to attack and react each and every time with those vital split second decisions that now come to him naturally.  I don't think I'll ever be able to Uke as well as that but, having watched the White Belts, I now understand the importance of relaxing and reacting properly to allow a technique to work the way it's supposed to even if it's a slow step-by-step process in the beginning.  

2. Practice makes (almost) perfect

I say "almost" perfect because I don't think anyone can perfect aikido.  I read somewhere about the reasons for having different coloured belts and it's because the more experienced you are, the darker the colour of your belt.  Some martial arts only have white or black belts - the idea being that by the time you have the skill, wisdom and experience to become a black belt, your white belt will black anyway.  The opposite being true for black belts.  The more skill, wisdom and experience they have, the black belt turns white; demonstrating that you never stop learning - you will never be perfect.  But that's ok!  O-Sensei himself said "failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something."  We all make mistakes no matter how old and experienced we are.

I watch the White Belts learn a new technique and sometimes find myself cringing at how awkward they look!  I want to stop them and tell them to "just relax, don't worry about it, you'll be doing this technique many times from now on so you'll get it eventually!"

Or being hypocritical while watching, with a tinge of frustration, a White Belt being taught the exact same technique that I taught him or her the week before!

Then I mentally get myself into trouble.  Despite only having to learn one form, being a White Belt isn't easy!  You have to overcome your fears of being attacked, of looking silly, of making a Dan Grade angry, not to mention fitting yourself into a group of people who have to be extremely comfortable with each other.  Also, I'm one to talk about being shown things more than once!  My memory is terrible and sometimes I know the highest Dan Grade (we'll call him Dan from now on as I'll be reflecting on a lot of things that he teaches) has taught me something already but is having to explain it all again.  

As a side note, Dan's favourite question is "how many forms start with Nage offering their right side?"  The answer is only two forms; first and fifth.  I made myself learn that as I'm always getting confused about what wrist or shoulder to offer to the Uke.  One of the other green belts came up with the idea of doing a Pop Aikido Quiz with questions like that!  I might do it on this blog one day...

Anyway, new information has to be repeated to me more than once for it to sink in and thankfully, so far, Sensei and the Dan Grades have been very patient with me!  The point is, I'll get it eventually - I just have to practice - and the same goes for the White Belts.  I can see the difference between the White Belts that are ready to move on and the ones that need to work on it a bit more.  Usually the White Belts who have been there longer have a better understanding of what they've been taught... the result of plenty of practice!  But White Belts who don't commit to the lessons are overtaken by other White Belts and Sensei is not one to put someone forward for grading if he doesn't think they've put in the time and effort required.

3. Sometimes you need to stand back

I was watching Dan teach a group of White Belts a couple of weeks ago and couldn't understand why he just stood back and let them do it wrong.  Once one member of the group got it wrong, the others followed!  So I had a think about this and my conclusions are that 1. Dan didn't want to overload the White Belts with information - sometimes bad habits creep in that have to be nipped in the bud but there will be times when whatever's happening can be fixed later because people can only take on so much information; 2. I've noticed that sometimes Sensei and the Dan Grades will stand back and let us figure out what's going wrong by ourselves - part of the learning curve.

Then the penny dropped!  A while back I had been placed with a group of White Belts and was told to teach - not do.  Not quite understanding the instruction, I took my turn with the White Belts to do the technique - the idea being to show them how to do it "properly" and then a brown belt was sent over to "do the doing" so I could do the teaching.  I still didn't quite get the point!  However, having watched from the sidelines, I now understand that, in order for the White Belts to get the practice in, you have to let them do it.  You have to let them make the mistakes in order to learn how to do it correctly - constantly butting in and doing it yourself is not really helping.  They can see how it's supposed to be done, now let them try it out for themselves.  O-Sensei's words ringing true again "each mistake teaches us something".  I've always said that, when Sensei demonstrates something, he makes it look so easy.  But when we have to do it ourselves it takes a wee while to work it out.  We know what we're supposed to do, but we have to be given the time and opportunity to get it right.

So, while one to one teaching has it's place, sometimes it's better to take a step back and let it come together by itself.

On that note, next time I'm in a group and Sensei or Dan is standing back to watch, I mustn't follow the person in front of me if I don't think they did the technique correctly.  I should be brave enough to do what I think is right and ok it might turn out to be wrong but that's the point I'm making!

4. Keep it Simple

A few weeks ago, Sensei's Uke (Sensei uses two guys as regular ukes; Dan and one other - we'll call him uke1) had been instructed to uke for a White Belt while I practiced my teaching skills.  I enjoyed this session very much because, unlike my practice with the Brown Belt (through no fault of the Brown Belt at all), I understood what I was supposed to be doing and what I should be learning.  The White Belt is fairly new so there was a lot of things he didn't know while some techniques, such as Shionhage just needed practice and polish.  I concentrated for a while on Tenchinage mainly because it's the technique I'm most uncomfortable with so it was good for me to be able to study it from scratch and good for the White Belt to learn something new.  Later, Uke1 commented that he had learned something from me.  He said that when he was teaching, he often went into a lot of detail and the student would get confused whereas I keep my instructions and explanations very simple and to the point which makes it easier for the white belt to understand.  I thanked him for his feedback as it's always good to hear nice things but even better when you didn't realise you were doing something worth noting!  A 1st Dan learning from a Green Belt... Aside from my point from above having been made, positive feedback does wonders for self-confidence.

Blogging from the sidelines

About 3 weeks ago I came to the decision to stop physically taking part in one of my Aikido classes.  I say "physically" because I still go but I sit at the side and observe instead of going on the mat.  

The 2 classes that I go to (one on Friday and one on Tuesday) are surprisingly different in nature even though it's roughly the same people who attend.  Friday is busier and, as a result, is very dynamic usually with lots of people doing different things depending on their grade.  Tuesday seems to be calmer with more space on the mat to study specific parts of your technique.  I've always liked quieter classes simply because it means I get more tutoring from Sensei and the Dan Grades.  Totally selfish I know and a bit naughty really because you learn plenty from lower grades too which has been particularly evident to me over the last few weeks.  My next blog post is about the lessons that I have learned so far from the White Belts in the class.

Pregnancy and Aikido

When people ask me what exercise I do now that I'm pregnant, I watch (with mischievous delight) at the horror on their faces when I tell them I still do aikido.  With tones of shock and bewilderment they ask; "is that not dangerous?", "you mean... while you're pregnant?", "shouldn't you be taking it easy?", "maybe you should stop?" and other suchlike, rather insulting, questions.  Of course I'm not putting my unborn child in front of a tanto-wielding, 6 foot, 15 stone dan grade running at full pelt for a 7th form attack!  I have to forgive questions like that though.  They always come from those who have either never heard of aikido or don't truly understand what it is.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and still go to class twice a week but some changes have had to be made:

My body

During pregnancy, the hormones in the body soften the ligaments to give way for baby coming into the world.  This means that stretches, twists and bends have a higher chance of resulting in injury.  I have had to slow down over the past few months to ensure that I don't overstretch or get myself into difficult positions.  From 16 weeks I have been advised not to lie on my back and so exercises like kokyu dosa should be avoided.  Having never been pregnant before, I have to take each day as it comes and only do what feels comfortable... I'm still trying to master getting in and out of the car!

Another thing that surprised me is my centre of gravity.  It's very easy to tip over as your tummy gets bigger, baby gets heavier and your centre of gravity shifts.  I'm having to really pay attention to my one point and wonder if it's still in the same place as it always was?  Something to ask sensei.

Breakfalls

The first thing I had to stop was the ukemis.  Even if I did gentle ones, they were making me dizzy.  The fact that I was still in the early stages of pregnancy meant that my husband and I weren't ready to tell the world and so not all Nages were aware of my condition.  I had to dodge a few over-the-tops (also known in my personal vocabulary as "splats") due to a fear of my little poppyseed, as it was at the time, letting go of life.  We told sensei straight away though.  It is one of the most memorable moments of my pregnancy so far!  The sheer joy in his face just lifted my spirits and he has been so supportive it's quite overwhelming.  He continues to push my husband to his limits to make him stronger in body and mind while allowing me to adapt in my own way to my changing body and abilities.  Therefore, sitting out of ukemi practise has not been a problem. 

I continued to do roll-to-stand all through my 1st trimester and about a month into my second.  Sensei would partner me with my husband during my 1st trimester so that we didn't have to tell the world our news straight away and Michael could control the force of his actions such as when we were doing shionages or kotegaeshi.

Warm-up

The warm-up involves a lot of stretching and the further in my pregnancy I go, the less I'm able to do.  Sensei's more than happy for me to do as much or as little as I can so I've adapted some of the moves to suit my condition.  I started yoga a few weeks ago and that has also helped me to adapt my stretches.  Each person is unique in their abilities even when they're not pregnant so I won't go into detail about this.  I do what I feel is comfortable and sit out if it's too much.

Uke

Michael and I throw atemis at each other all the time outside the dojo (which may not be the correct thing to do but it helps to develop our reactions!) and so I'm still blocking or moving away from an atemi if the situation calls for it but sensei and the other students have been very firm about not allowing me to uke a technique.  I have to say I was quite disappointed the first time sensei stopped me and I do still protest, albeit weakly because I know it's for my own safety and the survival of my baby.  As I get used to my changing balance and size, I can uke some of the time but nage can't finish the technique if it involves ukemi, roll-to-stand or immobilisation... which is pretty much all techniques!

It's hard though to watch the other students attack and defend as far as they can push themselves while I, and anyone who works with me, have to hone it back.  However, I'm determined to learn from the experience!  There's something to be said about doing a technique more softly.  Yes it does look as though you're doing nothing but, if you get it right, the effect is just as powerful.  This was very evident last week when I was uke for a blue belt student.  He did the technique exactly the same as he would have done if I wasn't pregnant except very softly.  The technique was still good and I would have had to breakfall if he hadn't stopped.  Sensei immediately pointed out that when blue-belt was doing the technique to me, it was like he was practicing with a feather and that he should try to implement that softness while working with the other students too.  This demonstrates that you don't have to be strong to make a technique work.  I felt quite proud of being part of this revelation and pleased that, despite having to hold back, I'm still able to take part in valuable lessons.  On reflection, I've naturally had to soften my own technique so as not to over-exert myself and it's good to know that I'm still learning something.  Ki is the key though!  A soft technique is nothing without Ki.

Other students

One thing I'm very conscious of is what I'm asking of the other students in the class.  It's a steep learning curve for me to find my way around the mat with a baby on board but, putting myself in my partner's position (1 of the 5 rules on the mat), I can imagine that it must be quite bewildering for them too.  How far do they push me?  What if something goes wrong?  More recently (as we were practising 6th form cuts with the bokken) I wondered how I would react if a weapon was accidentally set loose or if my partner accidentally punched me in a 7th form attack?  In my mind, it's my responsibility to protect myself and my baby.  I need to make the decision that a position is too dangerous for me to be in and inform sensei so that I can sit out (something that I haven't had to do yet).  Accidents do happen but I have observed the care and attention that the other students have paid me in class.  Some have been protective, others have cleverly responded to my body language and yet others have just outright asked me how I feel.  I don't force other students to work with me if they feel uncomfortable and I always watch for body language and facial expressions in case they're unsure of me.  I would never put myself in front of them if they wanted to attack full on.

We are all having to use courage, compassion, integrity, courtesy and discipline to get us through this learning curve and personally I think that has a beauty to it.  For me, it's a journey that we're all on together and it has brought me closer to my aikido peers.  I'd also like to think that my baby's personality and attitude is being shaped by our treatment of each other.

In a nutshell, always consult your midwife about exercise.  Chances are she will encourage you do continue your usual regime for as long as you feel comfortable but it's worth informing her of "unusual" exercise like Aikido.  Secondly, your sensei is one of the most important people in your life and if you can't tell him about your pregnancy as soon as you know then I would argue that you can't practise. Not only from a spiritual and emotional point of view, but for safety reasons your sensei really needs to know your condition.  Thirdly, do what you feel comfortable doing and no more.  Sensei will understand as will your fellow students and no one will think you weak for sitting out.  On the contrary, the female body is a true wonder that it can be making a baby AND practising aikido at the same time - there's nothing weak about it.

Each person's pregnancy is unique and so this is only my experience of practising aikido while pregnant.  Following a Google search on "pregnancy and aikido", I read some forum posts where the woman has stopped practising straight away while others had gone to class right through till they were 9 months.  This is why I take each day as it comes and will listen to my body to help me decide when enough's enough - if it's ever enough!

An unexpected break from the blog

It's been a while since I wrote in any of my blogs (I have a gardening one as well)!  There's a very poor explanation but an explanation none the less.  Not long after my last aikido blog post, I found out that I'm pregnant!  Trying for a baby and then reading a positive pregnancy test has the same delight and excitement as being proposed to.  Later comes the anxieties and worry about how good a parent you're going to be but I have a very supportive and laid-back husband who doesn't let me worry for long.

From an aikido perspective, I've had quite a steep learning curve over the past few months and so in all honesty I've not known what to put in my blog because I don't know where to start!  My body is changing, my emotions are haywire and the tiredness has been overwhelming but the health service advises to continue exercise during pregnancy to control weight gain, reduce musculoskeletal pain, ease labour pains and help the body to recover after birth.  Exercise is not dangerous for the baby and in fact the health service reports that there is some evidence to show that exercise helps to reduce problems later in pregnancy and during labour.  My problem with writing about my thoughts and experiences is that I'm not really too sure what I'm thinking or what I'm doing... I'm just taking each day as it comes.  Maybe that's what they call "baby brain"!

Anyway, at my last class I discovered that my Gi no longer fits around my tummy and even the hakama doesn't help to keep it and my belt from unraveling.  So I bought myself a white pregnancy top that wraps over above the waist but leaves a lot of space below the waist for my bump.  Unfortunately, in the words of one of my fellow students, I looked like I hadn't quite finished getting dressed!  As I said above, it's a steep learning curve and I have to take each day as it comes!  Next time, I'll put a vest top on underneath my new top and that might make it look a bit more Gi-like.  Sensei did say I could borrow one of his Gis but he has a lot going on just now so I don't press him for it.

So that is my (poor) explanation for not blogging for a while.  I hope to get back on track now and maybe even give you notice when I have to stop classes but, at the risk of repeating myself, I'll take it each day as it comes and I'll just have to let my body (and baby) tell me when enough's enough.